I was meant for this.

My entire life before children, I knew I was meant to be a mom. I have always had that mothering personality, always wanted to take care of others. When my sister had kids I was the aunt who was always there. I babysat, I played with them, I bought them presents for every occasion. I knew one day I would have kids of my own. Four I said, two girls, two boys just like my own family. Four is still a lot in today’s world, where two to three seems to be the norm.  So, at 21, when I found myself pregnant, I was scared but so excited! My boyfriend and I had only been together for 6 months though so I can imagine the comments. But it was not meant to be. I had only known a week when I lost that baby. I know there was a reason for it but the pain that brought was something I had never felt.  My heart broke for that lost baby. I was terrified I would never have children, something I had worried about before. Losing that baby made me think I must not be able to have a baby. What if I would never have my own children? I became obsessed with wanting another baby.  In the meantime, my boyfriend became my fiance and months went by. Finally I made a decision. We should wait. Wait until we were married, until we had been together longer. Wait for awhile. I was waiting to begin birth control, had it ready for when my period came. It never did. And my journey as a mom began.  Six children later, my life is nothing like I had imagined it. I live away from my family, in a country I don’t really belong, on my own most days. Some days I love it, some days I want bedtime to hurry. But through it all I know I was meant for this. For these beautiful people I can call my babies. Who break my heart(the teenager daughter) and adore me(the little boys). I never imagined having six and people don’t know how I do it. Sometimes I wonder myself. This will be my place to share our crazy, busy lives.  Life is going fast, faster every day. I don’t want to look back and think I missed it.

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