Oh what a night

Last night my 7 month rolled out of my bed. We do co-sleep but he starts in his bed. He had been in his bed until about 2:30 and I took him to mine to feed him. He has been extra squirmy this week so I had just put a rail on the side. My bed is quite high, one of the things I hate about it. I fed him and must have fallen asleep. I remember waking up and looking at him and seeing he was in a position he shouldn’t be so I was going to move him. I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I know I hear a thud and him crying. I jumped and grabbed him and held him. He only cried for a minute. Daddy was talking to him and he was smiling. I have severe anxiety about these kinds of things. I sat up with him. He kept looking at my husband and trying to get his attention but finally hubby rolled over so Mason would go back to sleep. I held him and he fell asleep after about an hour. I think I held him another 45 minutes just looking at him. I put him between us and tried to sleep but I kept watching him. Hubby said he would look over and see me watching him. He said he thought every once in awhile I’d look at him like how could you go to sleep you big jerk. LOL But I wasn’t. I just knew I had to make sure he was ok. Mason seems fine today. He is happy and doing normal things, not a mark on him. But I still worry. My anxiety takes over my brain sometimes. Its a hereditary thing and no matter how many times I say he is fine, there is a part of the back of my mind that says but what if he isn’t.
So I am trying to just take deep breaths today and tell myself he is fine and not blame myself for this. I know it happens but I feel completely responsible and horrible.

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You want to see it all, don’t you?

Go ahead, admit it. You want to know if I went off the deep end as much as I say I have. I will admit it, today I got everything out, ok everything but 3 small things I couldn’t find and the girls bags.

But before I decide to bare my soul, you need to know more about the amazing women I have met because of the Pink Room.  We all know women can be unkind. I have had my share and its probably why I don’t open up easily in the real world. But in the Pink Room we have something in common. We all like diaper bags. It joins us together. Most of us also love helping each other too. I am lucky that I have been able to help others get the bags they wanted and I have had a few do the same for me. I have even gotten to meet some of them. Some of them hold a very special place for me and I know we will always be friends.

Shortly after I joined the Pink Room I joined a weight loss competition a few mods held.  I entered, hoping to to encourage myself, never expecting to win a thing. We paid a fee and each week we did challenges. I found myself succeeding at those challenges! And I won a weekly price and then after the entire thing was over, I won second place! I had the highest amount of pounds lost and the second highest percentage of weight. I had never been so proud of myself. I never thought I could do it. but I did, and I didn’t just do it on my own. I did it with these other strangers, some who have now become my friends, who supported me and pushed me.

I have gained back a lot of weight. I got pregnant and my Dad died all at the same time and then started bleeding. My doctor didn’t want me exercising and I was depressed over my Dad, so I didn’t take care of myself as much as I should have. But every time I look at that bag that I won, I am reminded that I can do this. I will do this again. To everyone else, its just a bag, but to me it is so much more. It is the proof that I can do anything I set my mind too. And I will again. As soon as this baby starts letting me have some exercise time again.

But for anyone who looks at the JuJuBe community and thinks we are all mad. It isn’t just about the bags. There are members who only have a few, or none at all, or some that have way  more than me. I have met grandma’s and women with no children. Pink Ladies who have been there since the beginning and some who joined yesterday. We get to talk to the owners of this company and they listen to us and care about what we want.  It may just be a diaper bag company but for many of us, it is like our family.  I joined Befit 3 times, the first being where I did my best.  They no longer do this in the Pink Room so I feel lucky I had the chance.   The chance to see what I was capable of.

So for now, I will leave you with my Befit prize. I had won a $100 credit to Shop Ju Ju Be back in spring 2011. I chose the Perky Perennials Wannabe as my prize and paid the extra $60 to get it.  It is custom to take pictures of babies in bags in the Pink Room. But both my little boys wanted in 🙂

wb carter in wb boys in wb

The amazing thing about babies

As I sit here holding my little boy and he was staring at my face, I thought, babies don’t care what you look like, how heavy or thin you are, what your hair color is, or whether you are “pretty” or not. They don’t care about all of those things, they just love your face. To them we are all beautiful. To a baby, his mama is the most beautiful person in the world and when his little face lights up when he sees me, that smile, it truly melts my heart and makes me feel like the most beautiful person there is. The fact that this little person loves me and adores me more than anyway else in his world. Being a mom is truly the biggest blessing. Yes he will grow up and he won’t always look at me with that twinkle in his eye, but for now, he does. And it makes me feel so special

Now on to more Ju Ju Be

So after probably eternity, or about a month, my Gilt order finally came!

I was super excited. I had ordered a Purple Paisley Be Spicy and a Cloud Break Mini Be. I had not planned on Riley taking over the mini but he did and he looked adorable so I let him use it. And now Carter uses it too since Riley has a real school backpack.  And sometime in there I bought a Blue Bouquet Be Smart with a pouch. I told you I went a little over board.

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But aren’t they so bright and cheerful. Just looking at them made me happy and I would practice packing them and unpacking them trying to find just the right way.

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This was my JuJuBe stash at the end of January 2011. I thought this was a nice looking group and wouldn’t need much more

I didn’t tell anyone about my new hobby. I knew no one would understand. So I just kept visiting the Pink Room. And I met people like me. And some I thought were crazy. There were some of these diaper bag obsessed women who had so many bags. They would take pictures. I would look at those pictures and think why do they need so many?! I would never need that many bags. And why the same bag in different prints. That just makes no sense. Hahaha, how little did I know….

Been feeling down

Last week was a rough one. Mason got two more teeth and we think he may have an issue with I eat soy. So one more thing. Now we have it that it seems to bother him when I eat dairy, eggs, almond milk, peanut butter and soy. So I am trying to cut the soy out and let me tell you that is way harder than I thought it would be! Everything has soy. If you think dairy is bad, soy is worse. I had to find a soy free butter, well just can’t. I have non dairy ones, but soy, nope. So I bought a coconut spread. It wasn’t so bad, a bit of a coconut flavor. Made some toast with it and jelly, then I read the bread label, MAY CONTAIN SOY. WTH?! I remember reading that label last week for eggs, must have missed that one. So now I hope he isn’t miserable. I also drank my chocolate almond milk. This was supposed to be my test day. Eat only one of the foods we are thinking and then I would see it in his reaction. Now I can’t be 100% sure that he isn’t reacting to that stupid may contain soy bread!

I know it’s just one of those days and we will get past it but these days just drag me down. Not to mention Mason was miserable today. He has been getting up on his hands and knees and I think he wants to crawl. So I am hoping that’s why he is so grumpy and maybe once he does it, he will be happy again. We can hope….

I know you have been waiting

I’m sure you have been on the edge of your seats waiting for more about my addiction.  In the beginning it was innocent enough. I joined the Pink Room and started dreaming of what bag I would save up for. Funny that first bag was actually one of the last I ever tried. Then Ju Ju Be came up on another deal site. This time it was Gilt. It was right after Christmas and my wonderful husband told me I could get something. I agonized over what to get and still regret not getting something I chose not to. Gilt takes awhile for shipping so I knew it would also be a long time until I got my bags. So I started looking at the b/s/t in the Pink Room. Now Pink Ladies take very good care of their bags. Often they still look brand new. I found one I fell in love with. Back then I still thought the colors of my bag should match the gender of my child. Oh silly me. But I will still always hold a special place in my heart for that print. So, in reality, even though I had ordered 2 others on Gilt, my first real Ju Ju Be diaper bag was a Blue Bouquet Packabe.

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Behold the beautiful Blue Bouquet Packabe. She will be forever with me. Even if I only use her once a year.

For those of you who know Ju Ju Be, you know their bags are not like normal diaper bags. They are beautiful for one 😉 They can also be washed in the washing machine. Seriously, how fabulous is that? I have had some nasty stuff spilled in my bags and just toss it in a pillow case and it comes all clean. The have magnets instead of velcro and all metal hardware. There are hooks to clip their special stroller hooks on and pockets all over, they are just the best bags ever.

So after I got my BB packabe I kind of went overboard, as happens often to new Pink Ladies. You get caught up in the need to try every single type of bag. And then there are the different prints! So I went on to buy a be light in Groovey Garden. I used to to carry my baby wrap in. And so I had my first little stash shot.  But this isn’t overboard, not yet.

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Breastfeeding a baby with food intolerances

Quite a few months ago I realized my baby was grumpy and gassy all the time especially through the night and early morning. My 6 year old is allergic to dairy so I know the signs of it. But Mason was a bit different. Riley was a miserable baby. He cried and cried, no, he screamed and screamed. His belly was rock hard. Riley was a very small baby when he was born. I had some problems during my pregnancy, I leaked fluid, I was under a bit of stress until we bought our house, I was worried with the leaking fluid I would lose him. He was born by c-section at 38 weeks. I had also started swelling and my doctor was concerned with pre-eclampsia. Riley was so so small. He couldn’t latch on to eat and he just cried. He was 6 lb 3 1/2 oz when he was born and my husband commented on how thin his ears were, how you could see through them. The first week was such a struggle. The nurses at the hospital were no help. They made me feel horrible because I didn’t want to give him formula. They didn’t want to let me leave. After 2 days I finally let my husband tube feed him with his finger a tiny bit of formula. He was the only one of my babies to ever taste a drop of formula. And I regret it still. I cried the entire time. I lay in my bed curled in a ball, crying. I wanted to go home, I wanted those nurses to leave me alone, I wanted my husband there to help me.  After that I was determined not again. I made the nurses leave me alone and begged the doctor to let us go home on day 3. It was a huge ordeal to get Riley to eat. It would take hours. At a week old he had lost weight and was down to 5 1/2 lbs. I had never seen such a tiny baby. For two months, I worked at it. Every time he ate he would seem to forget how to do it. At 3 weeks I noticed the reaction he had when I ate dairy. at his one month check up I brought it up and the doctor completely dismissed me. But I knew. My husband had a dairy allergy as a child. His family has food allergies. So I learned to eat no dairy. We also thought eggs bothered him, so I went egg free also. The first year of his life I ate no dairy and no eggs. I cried a lot. I lost weight. I was hungry all the time. When he was one we had him tested, positive for dairy, negative for eggs. So I could eat eggs again! Until he was 2 1/2 I breastfed him and I ate the same as him. He is still allergic to dairy.  But we have learned how to eat dairy free and it is a way of life for us nice, expensive using alternatives for dairy but we can do it.

And this is where I am today. Mason does not scream as much as Riley did. Mason is smiley and happy where Riley seemed miserable all the time. Mason also has gained weight well and never had issues learning to eat. So it wasn’t something I thought for sure. But I cut out dairy and he got better, only not completely. I don’t know for sure all the foods that bother him, but it seems eggs and possibly almonds and peanut butter. I didn’t know until recently the eggs were for sure. But I ate an egg mcmuffin(without cheese), it was the only questionable thing. He screamed all night long. He gets severe gas pains, sometimes hives on his face, and he poops, a lot.  So now I am trying to figure out if he can handle it when I have eggs baked in things. But I don’t think so. I had a muffin yesterday, he screamed all night. Do you know how hard it is to make food for your family and have to sit and watch them eat it? I have to get the egg replacer I used when Riley was a baby, it will help me bake. I love to bake and my kids love to bake. But I also love omelettes, so none for me and I feel bad if I make the entire family go without because I can’t eat it. And I then need to determine whether I can drink my beloved dark chocolate almond milk, it is really the only treat I have right now, except the occasional coconut ice cream.  The peanut butter is easy to give up.

Some days are hard. So very hard. Like today. I am seriously sleep deprived because Mason is getting his top teeth and I have had too many foods that he can’t handle. So I have been up till 12:30 every night and up before 7 most mornings, but he has been tossing and turning all night long, crying out in pain. I am exhausted, and I am not eating well. I have been crying a lot. Crying because I am hungry. Crying because I am overwhelmed. Crying because I am tired. And crying because I don’t want my baby to be allergic to all these foods. I think he is wanting solids and I am afraid to even begin until I know what foods are getting through my milk and bothering him. I worry he won’t grow out of these and when he is bigger he will be allergic to all these foods. I worry that his allergies will be more severe than Riley. Riley just gets hives and horrible behavior. While it is hard on him, it isn’t life threatening. And I am terrified Mason’s will be.  And to add on to all of the food issues, I discovered this week Mason has an upper lip tie. So now I know why he would never stay latched on well, but really not sure where to go from here.

I know I can do this. I know I am stronger than I feel. I know I have my husband by my side to help me. I know my baby needs me to do this for him. And I will.

But some days, I just need to cry.

Got Carter’s blood test results today

We went to the pediatrician today to  go over his test results. I thought they would have let me know sooner but just waited.

So, the dr said his iron is on the low normal side, giving him a multivitamin with iron should help. She also said the test for Celiac disease came back negative. That’s a relief in a way but I have also read that a negative result doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a gluten intolerance.

The dr is stumped. We go see a gastroenterologist in October so the ped wants to get two more stool samples before that.

I think I am also going to start up the food journal again. He has had two bad days this week, a couple of the worst diarrhea he has had in awhile. I can’t seem to pinpoint foods. Sometimes it seems something gets him and sometimes he is fine. So we are back to not knowing anything. A couple more months and maybe the next dr can help us.

I have a bit of an addiction problem

Its not what you might think. It all started about 3 years ago. I don’t know how long before that it was, but I became a fan of a website called Babysteals. Babysteals is a daily deal site that offers deals to moms on baby related items. I was showed this site because a friend on one of my playgroups is  close friends to the owner. I bought here and there. But summer 2010 I started seeing these diaper bags. They were expensive bags at around half the retail cost. I would see these bags and think, “I can’t even afford to buy them at half price, or would even want to!” So it went on, I was always intrigued by them but never ordered and most of the time they were sold out before I got there anyway.

So one day, I think it was in November, I said what the heck, they had some cute little wristlets on, I think they were under $20, so I ordered one! I was so excited to see what it was all about.

When it came, I knew. I knew what all the fuss was. I knew why they were so loved. This wristlet wasn’t just a wristlet, it was beautiful and made so well, and well, Carter loved it. It was the only thing that made him happy when we had to go to Justin’s hockey practices. He would sit and hold it and chew on the strap. I have a picture of him somewhere with it. But because I can’t find it right now you will have to be happy with the wristlet alone. Yes I photograph my bags. Well, I had thought about selling this one, then I couldn’t bear to so I kept it. But I haven’t used it in awhile.

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This is only the beginning. There will be more. But this is the story of how I became a Pink Lady. Pink Ladies are members of the Pink Room. The Pink Room is  special message board set up for addicts like myself. This only begins the story of how I became a Ju Ju Be addict. Stay tuned 😉