I’ve been a bad blogger

I tell you I am so exhausted most of the time I forget what I am doing. Mason is 10 months old today and he is so clingy and wants me to hold him all the time. Well, at least while he sleeps. The rest of the time he wants to get into trouble. Yesterday I found him chewing on a lego wrench. And I sit there holding him while he sleeps a lot. I did put him down yesterday and was so excited he slept for about 20 minutes in his crib. I know, 20 minutes you say. But yes, this was exciting, it was a mid-day nap and he never sleeps in his crib in the day.  At night he will for a little while but as soon as I go to bed, he wakes up, wants to nurse then won’t go back to sleep in his bed and I get tired of trying, so I take him to bed with me. I don’t sleep great, but its better than holding him in a chair. But, often Carter decides to join us and I am worried he will lay on Mason or he will bug him, because he does, or he starts bothering me. So i am tired. I think more tired than I have ever been. I know my other children were not great sleepers, but I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment of the day. I am emotional, I am moody, I am just drained. I don’t get naps. I don’t get to sleep in. I don’t really get to rest. I know it will pass. I keep telling myself, it will get better. I don’t know when. I don’t know what I can do to help it(other than not hold him and let him be miserable all day). I will not let him cry. I will not leave him in his bed all alone to cry himself to sleep. I can’t and I won’t. I don’t care who agrees with me or the ideas people give me. I don’t understand how so many parents can so willingly just plop their babies in a bed and let them cry until they fall asleep. This is my little boy. The little person who relies on me completely. Who looks at me to comfort him and take care of him and teach him. Yes, maybe I haven’t taught him the best sleeping habits but soon enough he will be able to sleep on his own. And when he is 10 he won’t want to snuggle in my arms, or lay on my chest and hear my heart. He won’t need me. And when he is 20 I doubt I will even get a hug from him, so I try to remember, take it in. Enjoy it all. Yes its hard. Yes I wish I could get him in his own bed. But I don’t want it to ever end. He could very well be my last baby and the thought of never having those sweet sleepy sounds in my arms again breaks my heart.

So, I’ve been a bad blogger. I am so tired. I forget to write. I start to write, then forget to post my entries. I will try to do better. But I will be enjoying these sleepy snuggles so I might forget.

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