Why does weight control me?

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Since I can remember really. Its sad that those are some of my earliest memories. My brothers used to tease me about my weight, along with my two front teeth. It made me feel horrible. I wasn’t obese, just a little chubby. My Dad would yell at them and tell them to stop it because if they didn’t I would start to believe them.

He was right.

Once when I was in the 4th grade a little girl came over to me and said something to her friend, not in a whisper, but loud enough that I could hear. She said “See I told you it looked like she was having a baby.” I wanted to run and hide.

I did have a little belly, nothing major and surely not enough that I looked like I was pregnant. But those words, even all these years later make me tear up. Kids can be cruel.

In high school, I was a good weight, but I had a friend, C we will call her. She was really thin, but not sickly. One day she told me how she made herself throw up when she ate. This was the 9th grade. I didn’t think I could do that, but I started my own bad habits. I would exercise for hours and hours and eat only tiny amounts. I did make myself vomit from time to time. It went on for a few years but I was able to conquer it on my own. I got back to a normal weight, not that I was too skinny but when I look back at pictures of myself I remember my thoughts. I never saw myself for what I was. I saw myself has overweight and awful. I never saw the thin girl that was there. I’d love to be that small again. But I know I wasn’t really healthy. I was lucky I was able to get past that on my own, so many girls aren’t as lucky as me.

After I had my first child I wasn’t terribly overweight. A little pudgy but I wasn’t much above my pre-pregnancy weight. Same with number two. It was after my 3rd that my stomach would never be the same. I had 3 c-section within 4 years and after that 3rd my muscles were ruined.

Depression doesn’t help weight loss either. I have not lived near my family in over 14 years. That is not easy for me. I miss them so much. After that 3rd baby we went 4 years before having another. But I was on antidepressants and I was not really a happy person.

A few years ago when my 5th child was 1 I started losing weight. I lost almost 30 lbs. But then summer came and the kids were home and my routine got hard and I got lazy. Snacking is my biggest obstacle.

I have been trying again, but my ankle makes it hard. It still causes pain and it is a good excuse. I hate the way I look, but more I hate the way I feel.

We have to have family pictures taken this weekend. My husband’s family is celebrating his parents retirement so they are having a big family portrait day. I am dreading it. Yesterday I went shopping to find an outfit. I am really the luckiest woman around because despite the extra 30 lbs I weight my husband couldn’t love me more. He tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him but I think he sees me how I used to be and not how I am today. I don’t know that I see myself right either, I have that image of my teenage self in my mind, the one I thought I was obese when I was one of the smaller ones. I think maybe I do see myself wrong, but then I don’t. I see the size on my clothes. I see the pictures when I actually am not behind the camera. I can be the one that’s wrong.

Being sleep deprived does nothing for my motivation to work out. Drinking coke doesn’t help. I think its probably one of my biggest challenges. But I don’t drink coffee and when you have a difficult baby like mine that likes to fight you all night long, that little bit of sugar and caffeine helps get you through the day.

So today hasn’t been a total failure. Only 1 coke so far. I can do this. Not just for me, but for my kids. Because I need to do this.

My children have hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Can you believe 15 years of being a mom and I have never dealt with this?

Last week the baby was throwing up and had diarrhea. I couldn’t figure out what he had. Last week my 11 year old came home crying from school because he felt so bad. His throat and just all over. This weekend I looked at his throat, nasty little spots. He also had a rash on his feet. The thought crossed my mind but then it went away. Then my 13 year old got what we thought was acne. But then she has some blister looking things on her hands and feet. She has some warts too and thought that was more. Last night I noticed the baby has some spots on his butt and he got a fever. Then tonight I noticed that my 4 year old has some identical spots on his face.

It all started clicking. I am not even sure where this will go. I guess they have to stay home from school. Two out of six, let’s hope that’s all….

My kids have OCD

I am not the kind of person that likes to watch the same thing over and over. My husband can do it. My kids do it all the time. I know most kids do. They like to watch over and over. But there is something that it gets excessive. My children do this. They find a tv show they like and they watch episode after episode over and over. We are now watching Rescue Bots on Netflix for the second time, it has 26 episodes I think. I tell you they would watch it all day long if I let them. Some shows I don’t mind. Rescue Bots though gets to be a bit much.   I don’t remember when that show even originally aired. I watched Transformers as a kid. I had a brother.  But the far out there missions of the Rescue Bots just have me shaking my head. But these boys seem to love it. They have loved Transformers forever.

I know its just a phase, they have done it with many shows where they ask to watch it every day for a month then out of no where they stop. I hope the phase Rescue Bots ends soon or I might lose my mind…..

It’s been awhile again

I keep saying I won’t let it go and then I think of writing but am feeding the baby and only have my phone. And while, yes I can post from my phone, it is a pain and I hate typing on there. My phone has this insane autocorrect that likes to correct my words that I actually typed properly and turn them into crazy talk. I am sure most of the people on Facebook think I am a lunatic.

I think my last post was months ago. So much has happened in that time. The beginning half of the year is our busy time. All of my kids birthdays in a row. It is murder on the finances. But I now officially have 2 teenager girls( 13 & 15)and my boys are 1,4,7 and 11. Life seems to go so fast. School will be ending soon and then the summer will fly by. Some days I can’t wait until bedtime and others I don’t want it to ever get here. Sports are almost all done. My girls both were in cheerleading and the boys hockey until March and gymnastics now(11 year old is in spring hockey and summer hockey in July). This is the first year we will have done hockey pretty much all year. I hope to put the girls in tumbling but who knows and the little boys I had wanted something but Riley(7) is not really a team sport kinda kid. He played soccer for 3 summers and for 3 summers I watched him run around that field while I sweated and dealt with miserable kids on the sidelines. I can do that at home for free. So maybe next year will try it for Carter or baseball, or maybe nothing at all again. When you have 6 kids it gets very hard to put them all in a sport and drive them everywhere. But I want them to have something. I never played a sport after my parents got divorced and I wished I had. My kids have tried a variety of different things and the 3 oldest know what that sport is that they want to stick with. We are still learning with the others. 

I have been busy. I started selling another direct sales company(I know I know). I started with South Hill Designs in March and am so happy I did. I still do Jamberry but South Hill is so new in my area while Jamberry consultants are around every corner. I am enjoying doing both. I could never do more than two though. I feel like I barely have time to get the things I need with these two and take care of the house and kids!

Maybe I will share some more about that later. I should do to bed. I never say what I intended on saying here. I ramble on and change the subject multiple times. Maybe that’s sleep deprived mommy brain?