Why does weight control me?

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Since I can remember really. Its sad that those are some of my earliest memories. My brothers used to tease me about my weight, along with my two front teeth. It made me feel horrible. I wasn’t obese, just a little chubby. My Dad would yell at them and tell them to stop it because if they didn’t I would start to believe them.

He was right.

Once when I was in the 4th grade a little girl came over to me and said something to her friend, not in a whisper, but loud enough that I could hear. She said “See I told you it looked like she was having a baby.” I wanted to run and hide.

I did have a little belly, nothing major and surely not enough that I looked like I was pregnant. But those words, even all these years later make me tear up. Kids can be cruel.

In high school, I was a good weight, but I had a friend, C we will call her. She was really thin, but not sickly. One day she told me how she made herself throw up when she ate. This was the 9th grade. I didn’t think I could do that, but I started my own bad habits. I would exercise for hours and hours and eat only tiny amounts. I did make myself vomit from time to time. It went on for a few years but I was able to conquer it on my own. I got back to a normal weight, not that I was too skinny but when I look back at pictures of myself I remember my thoughts. I never saw myself for what I was. I saw myself has overweight and awful. I never saw the thin girl that was there. I’d love to be that small again. But I know I wasn’t really healthy. I was lucky I was able to get past that on my own, so many girls aren’t as lucky as me.

After I had my first child I wasn’t terribly overweight. A little pudgy but I wasn’t much above my pre-pregnancy weight. Same with number two. It was after my 3rd that my stomach would never be the same. I had 3 c-section within 4 years and after that 3rd my muscles were ruined.

Depression doesn’t help weight loss either. I have not lived near my family in over 14 years. That is not easy for me. I miss them so much. After that 3rd baby we went 4 years before having another. But I was on antidepressants and I was not really a happy person.

A few years ago when my 5th child was 1 I started losing weight. I lost almost 30 lbs. But then summer came and the kids were home and my routine got hard and I got lazy. Snacking is my biggest obstacle.

I have been trying again, but my ankle makes it hard. It still causes pain and it is a good excuse. I hate the way I look, but more I hate the way I feel.

We have to have family pictures taken this weekend. My husband’s family is celebrating his parents retirement so they are having a big family portrait day. I am dreading it. Yesterday I went shopping to find an outfit. I am really the luckiest woman around because despite the extra 30 lbs I weight my husband couldn’t love me more. He tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him but I think he sees me how I used to be and not how I am today. I don’t know that I see myself right either, I have that image of my teenage self in my mind, the one I thought I was obese when I was one of the smaller ones. I think maybe I do see myself wrong, but then I don’t. I see the size on my clothes. I see the pictures when I actually am not behind the camera. I can be the one that’s wrong.

Being sleep deprived does nothing for my motivation to work out. Drinking coke doesn’t help. I think its probably one of my biggest challenges. But I don’t drink coffee and when you have a difficult baby like mine that likes to fight you all night long, that little bit of sugar and caffeine helps get you through the day.

So today hasn’t been a total failure. Only 1 coke so far. I can do this. Not just for me, but for my kids. Because I need to do this.

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