It’s been so long again

Every day I think of coming here to write and every day passes and I don’t.

Life gets so busy with silly mundane things and my thoughts go by with me taking the time to put them somewhere. I even bought a journal. I wrote in it once. I bought one of those books to record grateful moments, wrote in it once. You see the pattern?

But I wanted to put my thoughts here today and will try to more often. Kids will be back at school soon, maybe I will have time.

I have been thinking of my Dad a lot. My Dad passed away May 22, 2012. I keep thinking about him for some reason, someone comments on a picture of him on Facebook or my kids say something to remind me of him. I think of him anyway but today I have been thinking of his final days. Oh how I miss him. How I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss how he teased me and could always make us laugh. He was never too serious. My Dad had cancer. First it was colon cancer. He had part of his colon removed and went through radiation. It was hard and it sucked but he fought it.  He wouldn’t give up. When I would call him and ask how he was, he would always say I’m still here. I would tell him good and it better stay that way. You never imagine it won’t.  The few months before his death I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t call. Family stresses, stupid anxieties of my own. He got liver cancer. He never called me. And that was hurtful and made me upset. But I didn’t call either. And its something I will regret forever.  The week before he died I found out I was pregnant with our 6th baby.  If I had waited till the day I should have tested it would have been the day I found out he was dying. But 2 days after I found out, we told our kids, my husband went to work, then my sister called. She told me our Dad was really bad. This was a huge shock. I thought he was doing ok. I had to ask her, do I need to come? They live in Ohio, I am in Ontario, Canada. She said she would ask my step mom. She called me back and said, you need to come.

You are never prepared for the death of a parent. We went to see my Dad. He had been in the hospital having stints put in his liver to try and help, they wanted to be more aggressive with the chemo but he was too weak. Nothing was working. I got there and went with my sister on a Friday. Just me and her. I will never forget that day. It was one of the worst days but will always be in my heart. It was moments my sister and I will have forever.

My once strong father lay in a hospital bed. He couldn’t move on his own and he was so tired. We spent the day taking care of him. Feeding him lunch, soup and Luigi’s Italian Ice.  His lips were so chapped he complained and I let him use my chapstick, it was strawberry banana and he joked he would eat it as he smacked his lips.  My sister and I struggled to get him comfortable and move him. We watched him sleep.

We each stood by his side as he signed his DNR.  That is probably one of the hardest moments I have ever experienced. Seeing that man who I thought would be there forever say he was ready, that he couldn’t do it anymore, the fight was all gone. We both cried.

That day was his last real day. He wanted to go home to die. They gave him morphine and he went to sleep, they took him in an ambulance back to his house where we would meet him again the next day.

Sunday I had to go home. 3 of my kids were at home and they needed me. My Dad spent most of his day sleeping and would have moments where he would open his eyes and wake up but he was in and out a lot.  I stood by his side that day, trying to say goodbye. I knew these were my last moments with him ever.  I knew the next time I saw him his spirit would be gone.  I sat and rubbed my hand along his arm. I told him how much I loved him. Tears ran down his face and he told me he loved me. Never had I seen my Dad cry. My heart broke when I said goodbye.

We came home.

On Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go pick my kids up from school. Carter was 2 then. He had seen my Dad and talked about him sleeping in the bed at his house while we were there. But he hadn’t mentioned it again. Until that moment, it was about 3:20, he said, “Grandpa’s sleeping.” It caught me off guard. I said, what? He said it again. I texted my sister and told her, she said, “OMG, Joey(her 2 year old) just said someone’s sleeping” Joey had not been at the house to see our Dad like Carter had. I said maybe Dad was telling us he was gone so we were ready. I never thought it was true.

About half an hour later I was home and my phone rang. I knew it was my sister. She told me our Dad had passed away at the exact moments our little boys were telling us he was sleeping. People might not believe us but I know it was him. I know he was preparing me. And I was. I cried but I already knew.