Why do we blame ourselves?

I know I’m not the only one. I hear it from other moms too. I see the posts on Facebook how moms feel guilty. Guilty for getting a shower, guilty for getting a babysitter, guilty for going to work, or guilty you stay home and not every moment is focused on your children.

I am so guilty of blaming myself. My husband calls it misplaced guilt. I did it today.

Today I took my 2 1/2 year old to a pediatric dentist. Over the weekend he broke one of his front teeth while my daughter was watching, there’s guilty feelings all over that one. I got him in and was just wanting to have them look at his tooth but this was a new dentist so they thought they would do an entire first visit. Ok, fine with me. They wanted an xray of the tooth to make sure there was no damage. I hate xrays. But I let them because I was worried there may be damage.

It was worse than I had imagined.

Not the broken tooth, but the others. He has 6 cavities. SIX CAVITIES. It was like someone punched me in the stomach. Yes he breastfeeds, and he does so to fall asleep. Yes he was 5 months old when he started getting teeth. Yes he is absolutely awful to brush his teeth, until recently. And yes he has an upper lip tie. But he will only be 3 in January. How can it be possible? As hard as I work, as hard as I try. And I still failed. This makes child #4 of 6 that have had to have work done.  I know one dentist told us that some people are predispositioned for cavities and that bacteria can actually be genetic. My husband has bad teeth so we always assumed it was that, but it’s the bacteria that’s the issue, and apparently nursing isn’t helping much but we won’t change it now. Mason drinks pretty much nothing else but water and maybe once a week some apple or orange juice.

So we are set up to have to go to a hospital because our health insurance doesn’t cover the anesthesia in the office, but we will sit and wait probably 4-5 months at the least. I am praying that these cavities don’t get worse and he needs more work. But we just can’t pay the extra $1000 to cover the difference. If we do it in a hospital then we can have OHIP cover the anesthesia but they won’t in an office. He also won’t be able to get his lip tie revised because they only do it in the office with laser. The only positive is the dentist said it wasn’t a severe lip tie so maybe that hasn’t caused his speech delay. But we can’t be sure either way.

I called my husband afterwards. He made a comment about why have 4 out of 6 of our children needed dental surgery. I took it as what am I doing wrong that four of our children have had to have dental surgery. I know that’s not what he meant. But that’s how I heard it. And that’s how I often hear things. Because I am never sure I am not failing. I always feel like I am doing something wrong. My house is a mess, or its something easy for dinner. The boys haven’t had a bath in a week or I spent too much time on the computer.  I didn’t play with them enough today or remember to brush their hair. I know we all do it.

I try to remind myself I am only one person and I am doing the best job I can. I hope when my children are grown they will have good memories of me and how I raised them. The little boys tell me I am the best mom ever. And I know they truly believe that. Ask my teenage daughters how they feel though.

I guess all we can do is the best we know how. We will all make mistakes and feel like we failed. I am trying so hard to push those feelings out and remember everything is not my fault. But that’s something I have struggled with since I can remember, it’s hard to let it go.

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The things they don’t tell you

When my doctor’s office called to tell me I was miscarrrying she was not helpful at all. At that point I was spotting so I asked so I just wait for the bleeding? She said yes and that was it. There is so much more.

Having had a miscarrriage before I thought I would know what to expect, but it was March 1998 when I lost our very first baby. That was 17 years ago, wow does that ever seem like another life.

It started with spotting then, I remember that. I didn’t go to work for a few days, I did go with my husband, we weren’t married at the time so I was living in Virginia and he was in Ontario Canada. He drove a truck, that’s how we met, I should tell that story someday.  He was doing his normal work so I went along because they told me to take a few days off of work. I don’t remember how long the bleeding lasted, but I know when I passed the baby and it wasn’t very long. I was only 6 weeks then and 22 so maybe my body was younger and faster to get rid of it.

Now I am 38, soon to be 39, and it has definitely not been the same. And, after 17 years, I don’t even know I remember it all. I know how sad I was. And that definitely is the same, and even my worries are the same. Then I worried there was something wrong with me. To lose my very first baby maybe I could never have children. Now I worry after 6 kids maybe I won’t be able to have that last baby we were hoping for. My husband keeps reassuring me I’m not too old and we will try again. But the worry is there.

I bled for 2 full weeks. Plus on and off spotting ever since. That is so much longer than I expected. I was only about 8 weeks pregnant I think, I didn’t think it would cause this much more.  But then I haven’t taken it easy.  I think that might have been part of my problem.

Everyone in my family has just moved on. No one sees the physical side of this but me and my poor deprived husband lol.  I try to hide the emotional side from the kids. Sometimes it seeps out.  I am completely exhausted. I was trying to exercise and thought maybe I should take a break till the bleeding lessens. I thought maybe I was doing more hard than good so I’ve taken a couple days off.  The sadness remains in my heart, I am able to keep it away most days, then others it takes over and I am sad and have to remind myself I am so truly lucky. My little boys really do help with that.

But I am heading to healing.  It helps I am planning a Florida vacation. And my boys have so much hockey to keep me busy. I am trying to work on losing weight.  This pregnancy wasn’t planned and I wanted to lose some before so I try to tell myself that if anything good comes of it that should be it. Now I just have to get past my emotional eating.

It’s been almost a month since I found out and there are times I think, I should be pregnant and looking forward to a baby, but I know the baby didn’t form and there was no chance of that. It’s just heartbreaking and I still cry. I know everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. I don’t know I will ever know the reason but I am going to enjoy Disney World not pregnant now and ride tons of rides and have tons of fun with my family. And maybe next year we will still have a baby.

I almost didn’t post about my miscarriage to my friends and family. Only two people outside of my family knew about our pregnancy. I am so glad I did. I was comforted by so many of my friends that had gone through it as well. So many that I had no idea they were even pregnant. It’s so sad how women suffer in silence. We have to be the strong ones and hide our feelings, from moms that haven’t carried a full term baby to moms of many like me. I hope I was able to let them all know how much their words meant to me. It helped me get through one of the hardest things of my life.

What was I thinking?

I had the bright idea to go to Toys R Us today. My 2 year is absolutely obsessed with tools. And I mean obsessed.  My husband tries to be so sweet and let him play with his tools and they are now spread out all over our house. Besides being a bit dangerous, I can never find a screwdriver when I need it. So yesterday I was looking for toy tool sets online. I accidentally clicked on a Home Depot tool bench while Mason was sitting with me. BIG MISTAKE. He was even more obsessed. Wanted to sit and stare at the picture all day saying tools, only he has a speech delay so it comes out like the sound a drill makes 😉

The day went on and he would get so upset if I tried to use the computer. While I made lunch I found you tube videos of kids with the tool bench, he loved that. On the way to school he had to stare at my phone with a screen shot of the tool bench.

I soon discovered this tool bench was on sale but was no where to be found, or so I thought. I ended up calling a local Toys R Us and she said yes they had 1 in stock. I had thought I could get it for his birthday, but knowing it was no longer being stocked I knew I had to go now. My thought process is well poor Mason is stuck home all alone driving me insane while the kids go to school. He has been a terror the past week wanting me to constantly occupy his time. I thought, well, this would be really good for him to play, he will play tools all day!

So we hopped in the van and went on our way, had to take the stroller out because I needed the room for the giant box. I used my Tula(baby carrier) and put Mason on my back, Carter is off school today, so he walked. Surprisingly he actually did better than normal.  Now the kicking 2 year old on my back was another story.  A bathroom break with a baby on my back and if you’ve never done that you have no clue just how hard it is to pull your clothes back up, of course I had to have super long skirt on today, then we were out of there.

I left Toys R Us not feeling totally irritated and annoyed like I typically do when we go somewhere, of course this was a super fast trip for the workshop and a couple small toys for the boys, I always have to get one for Riley when we go because we don’t want him left out when the other two boys get one.

Now this is where we get to the what was I thinking part.  Mason fell asleep in the van, as usual, so great, no nap at home. We drive 40 minutes, get home and of course he has to wait up, saying tools tools. The boys helped me get the box into the house.

I set to work. I have to admit I am usually the sticker person. My husband always has put together everything, kitchen sets, cars, whatever, I do the stickers cause he always messes them up. I have never attempted to put something this massive together, and I now know why.

To start with, I of course couldn’t find any decent screwdrivers! And none of the holes were actually holes. So I had to ram a screwdriver through the hole to get it started to then screw it in. Of course I could only find itty bitty screwdrivers so by the time I got to the 3rd screw my hand was on fire. I think I did two more before I said screw it and when to find the drill, letting a bee in the house that has since disappeared.  After I got the drill things went smoother, well as smooth as it can go with a 2 and 5 year old “helping”.

An hour and a half later and it’s all put together, but the stickers will have to wait. They are enjoying playtime. I can’t believe how exhausting that was.  Never again. I will leave the assembling to my husband and remain the sticker person from here on our.

I’m having a miscarriage but I’m ok.

But ask me again in half an hour and I won’t be, or maybe I will. It goes back and forth.

Tuesday I got the call I was dreading. My doctor’s office called to tell me my blood results were back and my numbers decreased. I had already started spotting Monday so I knew. As much I regretted that ultrasound last week, at least I knew it was coming.  I had hoped they were wrong but I think I knew in my heart, it was in fact a blighted ovum. I cruel trick a woman’s body plays on her. All the symptoms of a real pregnancy, that I even had all this past weekend, but no baby growing in that empty sac. I told the kids all last night, not all at once, I think that would have been harder. The little boys had more questions of course and I answered them the best I could. But I don’t know why it happened so I just had to tell them that. I know there was a reason, whatever that reason may be and as hard and painful as that reason may be. And my head knows its. But my heart, well that’s another story.

It’s hard posting this now, and sharing it on Facebook. Because so few people knew.  And having to pretend everything is fine and I’m happy has been work this week. Hiding the massive bruise on my arm from the needle to draw my blood and just pretending everything is normal. But coming home and crying. I know there was a reason, I went through it before we had Hayley, and I know I wouldn’t have her if I didn’t. I guess I just never imagined I would be here again.  I know how lucky I am. I have 6 beautiful amazing children and I know that’s more than most women, so there are bound to be some losses here and there but it doesn’t change the pain you feel.

I know this baby didn’t form properly and there was actually no baby there at all, only an empty sac. But to my heart, there was a baby, for the 5 weeks I knew, there was a baby. I regret not telling people sooner.  I wish I had so I didn’t feel so alone through it all.  But I know it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would still be heartbroken and I would still cry, only then I would have probably had comments about how many kids we had, probably not to my face, but I know how people talk.

If we are lucky enough to be blessed with another baby in the future, we will, after my heart has healed.  And if you think we are wrong, that’s your opinion, so please keep it to yourself, because to our family every baby is a blessing, even this one that never made it.

I think this is it.

I had more bloodwork done Saturday but don’t know the results. My arm sure looks terrible from it so I look like I was beat. I don’t handle bloodwork, my veins aren’t good and I often bruise badly. She jabbed me pretty good this time. I need to find my arnica.

But I am spotting this morning, feel a little crampy, that could be my head but I don’t think so. I think this is it and I won’t be having a baby afterall right now.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? And I will have to now tell all the kids that we aren’t having a baby afterall.

We thought we were having a(nother) baby

but maybe we’re not.

It’s all very confusing right now and my heart is broken.

There was some confusion on my dates. Come to realize that was my fault. I was so set on a date, I had it in my mind that I didn’t realize I was wrong. It wasn’t until yesterday I realized that but it was too late to prevent the worst day.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday morning. I truly had no clue how far I was. I went in and told him that.

I was expecting to see a baby, of some size anyway.

But we didn’t. We saw an empty gestational sac. My heart sank. The tech asked if he could do an internal ultrasound at that point. He asked if anyone had ever told me my uterus tipped backwards. Yes I said long ago. He continued and still only saw a sac. He never told me how far it measured. He mentioned a blighted ovum, the words were familiar but I had no idea what it meant.

I sat there and tried to hold back the tears. It didn’t matter this baby wasn’t planned. After the initial shock we were happy and excited and it was something we were planning and looking forward to. This was like a stab in my heart. Especially when I had to go to the waiting room, where the obvious pregnant women were, and where my 14 year old was with her 2 year old brother. Where I had to hold back the tears and wait for the tech to tell me he called my dr and they wanted me to go in.

What was supposed to tell me my due date was now the worst moment ever. I had to then drive half an hour to get to my dr’s office, all while Mason screamed his head off because I didn’t let him push the button to open the doors to leave the office. I had to try to tell my daughter to explain why I needed to go somewhere else but I just started crying. I sent a text to my husband because I knew if I told him on the phone I wouldn’t make it through the drive.  It was the longest drive ever.

After getting there, the office was full so I said I was taking my kids to eat lunch. We ate and came back. Thankfully it was empty and we got right back in.

My dr, while he is a super nice guy, isn’t always on top of things, I feel. He told me he wanted me to get blood work then and then again tomorrow but I would probably start bleeding over the weekend. I have no pain, zero signs of miscarriage, so I don’t look for that to happen, but maybe he is right. I just don’t see why it would be different than days ago. An ultrasound didn’t magically change things. I asked if they said how big the sac was and he said no they didn’t but I saw the paper when he left the room for a minute and it looked like it said 5 weeks 2 days from what I could read. According to my last period, I should be 7 weeks.

So I sit here in limbo, not knowing if I am or not having a baby. And the worst part is I was waiting until this ultrasound to announce it to my friends and family, only a couple of people know. I had originally written a post here and saved it to post when I made the big announcement but now that one seems pointless. I feel lost and alone, unsure if the blood results even matter because it seems my levels can still rise if it is indeed a blighted ovum. Wondering if my tilted uterus could be causing the baby to be hiding and the sac measuring smaller. Having no one to talk to other than my due date group but then seeing ultrasounds of healthy pregnancies and driving my husband insane obsessing about it. I don’t think he understands I can’t just let it go and not think about it. I will get busy with kids and it leaves my mind but then its there again and what was and what was going to be feels gone forever.

I had a miscarriage with my 1st baby, I know there was a reason, but in those moments it seems hopeless. I know I wouldn’t have my Hayley if I had that baby, but in those moments it’s heartbreaking. You wonder what’s wrong with you? In my case then, I wondered could I even ever have kids(yes that is laughable now after six but it really was my fear). Now I wonder, am I too old? Am I not meant to have another? Because yes, even though this particular baby was a suprise, we have been talking about another. I wonder why after 6 healthy babies this has to happen now.  I know how lucky I am that I have those wonderful children and am trying to think of that.

I referred to the baby as lucky #7, had a whole shirt planned to get pictures taken in and post on Facebook. Now that seems like a cruel joke to me as I wonder if there even is a baby #7. I know I’m not truly alone, I know so many women go through this, but I have no one to turn to. No one to just hug me and say it’s ok. If this baby isn’t there, it’s ok, because it really was a baby to me, not just an empty sac but in my heart a baby. My husband does try, but he has an easier time of letting things go, he obsesses about other things, this isn’t one of them.  Only time will tell, but my hope is sinking.

So I came here to at least get my feelings out. I haven’t written here much lately so I doubt anyone I know will read it. I’m trying to decide whether I should share it to Facebook or leave it here alone. And today had to be our anniversary to top it all off. 18 years together. Here’s to many more…