But ask me again in half an hour and I won’t be, or maybe I will. It goes back and forth.
Tuesday I got the call I was dreading. My doctor’s office called to tell me my blood results were back and my numbers decreased. I had already started spotting Monday so I knew. As much I regretted that ultrasound last week, at least I knew it was coming. I had hoped they were wrong but I think I knew in my heart, it was in fact a blighted ovum. I cruel trick a woman’s body plays on her. All the symptoms of a real pregnancy, that I even had all this past weekend, but no baby growing in that empty sac. I told the kids all last night, not all at once, I think that would have been harder. The little boys had more questions of course and I answered them the best I could. But I don’t know why it happened so I just had to tell them that. I know there was a reason, whatever that reason may be and as hard and painful as that reason may be. And my head knows its. But my heart, well that’s another story.
It’s hard posting this now, and sharing it on Facebook. Because so few people knew. And having to pretend everything is fine and I’m happy has been work this week. Hiding the massive bruise on my arm from the needle to draw my blood and just pretending everything is normal. But coming home and crying. I know there was a reason, I went through it before we had Hayley, and I know I wouldn’t have her if I didn’t. I guess I just never imagined I would be here again. I know how lucky I am. I have 6 beautiful amazing children and I know that’s more than most women, so there are bound to be some losses here and there but it doesn’t change the pain you feel.
I know this baby didn’t form properly and there was actually no baby there at all, only an empty sac. But to my heart, there was a baby, for the 5 weeks I knew, there was a baby. I regret not telling people sooner. I wish I had so I didn’t feel so alone through it all. But I know it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would still be heartbroken and I would still cry, only then I would have probably had comments about how many kids we had, probably not to my face, but I know how people talk.
If we are lucky enough to be blessed with another baby in the future, we will, after my heart has healed. And if you think we are wrong, that’s your opinion, so please keep it to yourself, because to our family every baby is a blessing, even this one that never made it.