The things they don’t tell you

When my doctor’s office called to tell me I was miscarrrying she was not helpful at all. At that point I was spotting so I asked so I just wait for the bleeding? She said yes and that was it. There is so much more.

Having had a miscarrriage before I thought I would know what to expect, but it was March 1998 when I lost our very first baby. That was 17 years ago, wow does that ever seem like another life.

It started with spotting then, I remember that. I didn’t go to work for a few days, I did go with my husband, we weren’t married at the time so I was living in Virginia and he was in Ontario Canada. He drove a truck, that’s how we met, I should tell that story someday.  He was doing his normal work so I went along because they told me to take a few days off of work. I don’t remember how long the bleeding lasted, but I know when I passed the baby and it wasn’t very long. I was only 6 weeks then and 22 so maybe my body was younger and faster to get rid of it.

Now I am 38, soon to be 39, and it has definitely not been the same. And, after 17 years, I don’t even know I remember it all. I know how sad I was. And that definitely is the same, and even my worries are the same. Then I worried there was something wrong with me. To lose my very first baby maybe I could never have children. Now I worry after 6 kids maybe I won’t be able to have that last baby we were hoping for. My husband keeps reassuring me I’m not too old and we will try again. But the worry is there.

I bled for 2 full weeks. Plus on and off spotting ever since. That is so much longer than I expected. I was only about 8 weeks pregnant I think, I didn’t think it would cause this much more.  But then I haven’t taken it easy.  I think that might have been part of my problem.

Everyone in my family has just moved on. No one sees the physical side of this but me and my poor deprived husband lol.  I try to hide the emotional side from the kids. Sometimes it seeps out.  I am completely exhausted. I was trying to exercise and thought maybe I should take a break till the bleeding lessens. I thought maybe I was doing more hard than good so I’ve taken a couple days off.  The sadness remains in my heart, I am able to keep it away most days, then others it takes over and I am sad and have to remind myself I am so truly lucky. My little boys really do help with that.

But I am heading to healing.  It helps I am planning a Florida vacation. And my boys have so much hockey to keep me busy. I am trying to work on losing weight.  This pregnancy wasn’t planned and I wanted to lose some before so I try to tell myself that if anything good comes of it that should be it. Now I just have to get past my emotional eating.

It’s been almost a month since I found out and there are times I think, I should be pregnant and looking forward to a baby, but I know the baby didn’t form and there was no chance of that. It’s just heartbreaking and I still cry. I know everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. I don’t know I will ever know the reason but I am going to enjoy Disney World not pregnant now and ride tons of rides and have tons of fun with my family. And maybe next year we will still have a baby.

I almost didn’t post about my miscarriage to my friends and family. Only two people outside of my family knew about our pregnancy. I am so glad I did. I was comforted by so many of my friends that had gone through it as well. So many that I had no idea they were even pregnant. It’s so sad how women suffer in silence. We have to be the strong ones and hide our feelings, from moms that haven’t carried a full term baby to moms of many like me. I hope I was able to let them all know how much their words meant to me. It helped me get through one of the hardest things of my life.

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