Fingers crossed…

I don’t want to say it too soon, but I think my miscarriage is finally over!

Today I have had tiny spots, only tiny, almost nothing! Almost 4 months it’s been, 4 months of seeing things come out that you should never have to see. The worry, the anxiety, the sadness, well the sadness is still not gone but I can start to feel better and not bleed for weeks at a time. It was 3 1/2 weeks this time. In 4 months time I have had about 4 weeks of not bleeding. I think my body might finally have gotten rid of it all. It’s a sense of relief but complete sadness too. Something I was so happy for, something that was supposed to be over half way there, has finally ended.

And not knowing where we go from here, whether to try again or end it here. I know what my heart wants….

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The miscarriage from hell.

I never imagined something could last so long and be so completely painful emotionally.

It has been almost 4 months since I had that awful ultrasound telling me I had a blighted ovum. I thought at that time that by January we would be able to start thinking of trying again. How wrong I was.

The roller coaster my body has had me on the past 4 months has been cruel and lonely. I have only ever gone through the one other loss and that was 17 years ago, it was nothing like this. I also went on birth control right away and my cycle went back to normal quickly. I got pregnant soon after without planning it. This time has been a blur of emotions and fears.

All of Sept I bled. The first 2 weeks very heavily, the last 2 was spotting. I stopped bleeding the beginning of Oct. 28 days later I started spotting again. I thought yay! My period is coming back. I was so wrong. For the next month I was spotting constantly. My family dr sent me to get an ultrasound. I was concerned I had retained tissues because my HCG beta wasn’t dropping very well. He thought I was just getting back to normal and my body was trying to have a period. He was wrong.

They discovered I did have retained tissues. I was going on vacation in a week, to Florida from Canada, for 2 weeks, so I needed something decided. My gynecologist saw me and did a couple of ultrasounds.  I was spotting on and off. My numbers were dropping, slowly but finally dropping.  the result of his ultrasound looked good, but he didn’t do an internal. I went away on vacation with no spotting and feeling like things were finally on its way to being over.

After I was in Florida for less than a week the spotting started again. I thought it must just be the beginning of the end. By the end of the second week I was passing tissues and bleeding heavily. I was hoping it was a period.

On Dec. 14, my 39th birthday, I got my first negative pregnancy test since July. I was so happy. I thought this must be it, it’s almost over!

Since then the spotting is still there and sometimes pretty heavy, I am also passing tissues.  It actually seems like I have experienced a second miscarriage. Not in the sense that I got pregnant and lost another but that it never finished so I am going through it all again.

I feel so lost and alone. I have no one that I talk to about it, except my poor husband. The tissue had gotten stuck to the inside of my c-section scar, which is also why the dr didn’t see anything when he did the ultrasound before our trip.

My plan now is to wait through this week because I am losing tissue and the bleeding is darker, I am hoping its the last of it and will be done by Monday. And if it isn’t then Monday I call my dr again and ask for another ultrasound to see if there is something left.

I never imagined it could go on this long. I know, normally women have a d & c, I don’t want that. I have had 6 c-sections, 6 times having trauma to my uterus. If I have another procedure, the d&c, that is one more procedure and it scares me that it would be one more thing why I shouldn’t have one last baby. We haven’t decided to go ahead with another baby right now anyway just because of the worries that this did get stuck and I don’t want to end up with placenta accreta. My dr talked to me about it and did make me feel better about it if that did happen with a future pregnancy. I know we can’t know the future. Right now I just want to get through now, to get past this, to feel normal and back to myself. I keep telling myself that it’s almost over, and I keep thinking that, but it just doesn’t feel like it…..