I think this is it.

I had more bloodwork done Saturday but don’t know the results. My arm sure looks terrible from it so I look like I was beat. I don’t handle bloodwork, my veins aren’t good and I often bruise badly. She jabbed me pretty good this time. I need to find my arnica.

But I am spotting this morning, feel a little crampy, that could be my head but I don’t think so. I think this is it and I won’t be having a baby afterall right now.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? And I will have to now tell all the kids that we aren’t having a baby afterall.

Advertisements

We thought we were having a(nother) baby

but maybe we’re not.

It’s all very confusing right now and my heart is broken.

There was some confusion on my dates. Come to realize that was my fault. I was so set on a date, I had it in my mind that I didn’t realize I was wrong. It wasn’t until yesterday I realized that but it was too late to prevent the worst day.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday morning. I truly had no clue how far I was. I went in and told him that.

I was expecting to see a baby, of some size anyway.

But we didn’t. We saw an empty gestational sac. My heart sank. The tech asked if he could do an internal ultrasound at that point. He asked if anyone had ever told me my uterus tipped backwards. Yes I said long ago. He continued and still only saw a sac. He never told me how far it measured. He mentioned a blighted ovum, the words were familiar but I had no idea what it meant.

I sat there and tried to hold back the tears. It didn’t matter this baby wasn’t planned. After the initial shock we were happy and excited and it was something we were planning and looking forward to. This was like a stab in my heart. Especially when I had to go to the waiting room, where the obvious pregnant women were, and where my 14 year old was with her 2 year old brother. Where I had to hold back the tears and wait for the tech to tell me he called my dr and they wanted me to go in.

What was supposed to tell me my due date was now the worst moment ever. I had to then drive half an hour to get to my dr’s office, all while Mason screamed his head off because I didn’t let him push the button to open the doors to leave the office. I had to try to tell my daughter to explain why I needed to go somewhere else but I just started crying. I sent a text to my husband because I knew if I told him on the phone I wouldn’t make it through the drive.  It was the longest drive ever.

After getting there, the office was full so I said I was taking my kids to eat lunch. We ate and came back. Thankfully it was empty and we got right back in.

My dr, while he is a super nice guy, isn’t always on top of things, I feel. He told me he wanted me to get blood work then and then again tomorrow but I would probably start bleeding over the weekend. I have no pain, zero signs of miscarriage, so I don’t look for that to happen, but maybe he is right. I just don’t see why it would be different than days ago. An ultrasound didn’t magically change things. I asked if they said how big the sac was and he said no they didn’t but I saw the paper when he left the room for a minute and it looked like it said 5 weeks 2 days from what I could read. According to my last period, I should be 7 weeks.

So I sit here in limbo, not knowing if I am or not having a baby. And the worst part is I was waiting until this ultrasound to announce it to my friends and family, only a couple of people know. I had originally written a post here and saved it to post when I made the big announcement but now that one seems pointless. I feel lost and alone, unsure if the blood results even matter because it seems my levels can still rise if it is indeed a blighted ovum. Wondering if my tilted uterus could be causing the baby to be hiding and the sac measuring smaller. Having no one to talk to other than my due date group but then seeing ultrasounds of healthy pregnancies and driving my husband insane obsessing about it. I don’t think he understands I can’t just let it go and not think about it. I will get busy with kids and it leaves my mind but then its there again and what was and what was going to be feels gone forever.

I had a miscarriage with my 1st baby, I know there was a reason, but in those moments it seems hopeless. I know I wouldn’t have my Hayley if I had that baby, but in those moments it’s heartbreaking. You wonder what’s wrong with you? In my case then, I wondered could I even ever have kids(yes that is laughable now after six but it really was my fear). Now I wonder, am I too old? Am I not meant to have another? Because yes, even though this particular baby was a suprise, we have been talking about another. I wonder why after 6 healthy babies this has to happen now.  I know how lucky I am that I have those wonderful children and am trying to think of that.

I referred to the baby as lucky #7, had a whole shirt planned to get pictures taken in and post on Facebook. Now that seems like a cruel joke to me as I wonder if there even is a baby #7. I know I’m not truly alone, I know so many women go through this, but I have no one to turn to. No one to just hug me and say it’s ok. If this baby isn’t there, it’s ok, because it really was a baby to me, not just an empty sac but in my heart a baby. My husband does try, but he has an easier time of letting things go, he obsesses about other things, this isn’t one of them.  Only time will tell, but my hope is sinking.

So I came here to at least get my feelings out. I haven’t written here much lately so I doubt anyone I know will read it. I’m trying to decide whether I should share it to Facebook or leave it here alone. And today had to be our anniversary to top it all off. 18 years together. Here’s to many more…

It’s been so long again

Every day I think of coming here to write and every day passes and I don’t.

Life gets so busy with silly mundane things and my thoughts go by with me taking the time to put them somewhere. I even bought a journal. I wrote in it once. I bought one of those books to record grateful moments, wrote in it once. You see the pattern?

But I wanted to put my thoughts here today and will try to more often. Kids will be back at school soon, maybe I will have time.

I have been thinking of my Dad a lot. My Dad passed away May 22, 2012. I keep thinking about him for some reason, someone comments on a picture of him on Facebook or my kids say something to remind me of him. I think of him anyway but today I have been thinking of his final days. Oh how I miss him. How I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss how he teased me and could always make us laugh. He was never too serious. My Dad had cancer. First it was colon cancer. He had part of his colon removed and went through radiation. It was hard and it sucked but he fought it.  He wouldn’t give up. When I would call him and ask how he was, he would always say I’m still here. I would tell him good and it better stay that way. You never imagine it won’t.  The few months before his death I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t call. Family stresses, stupid anxieties of my own. He got liver cancer. He never called me. And that was hurtful and made me upset. But I didn’t call either. And its something I will regret forever.  The week before he died I found out I was pregnant with our 6th baby.  If I had waited till the day I should have tested it would have been the day I found out he was dying. But 2 days after I found out, we told our kids, my husband went to work, then my sister called. She told me our Dad was really bad. This was a huge shock. I thought he was doing ok. I had to ask her, do I need to come? They live in Ohio, I am in Ontario, Canada. She said she would ask my step mom. She called me back and said, you need to come.

You are never prepared for the death of a parent. We went to see my Dad. He had been in the hospital having stints put in his liver to try and help, they wanted to be more aggressive with the chemo but he was too weak. Nothing was working. I got there and went with my sister on a Friday. Just me and her. I will never forget that day. It was one of the worst days but will always be in my heart. It was moments my sister and I will have forever.

My once strong father lay in a hospital bed. He couldn’t move on his own and he was so tired. We spent the day taking care of him. Feeding him lunch, soup and Luigi’s Italian Ice.  His lips were so chapped he complained and I let him use my chapstick, it was strawberry banana and he joked he would eat it as he smacked his lips.  My sister and I struggled to get him comfortable and move him. We watched him sleep.

We each stood by his side as he signed his DNR.  That is probably one of the hardest moments I have ever experienced. Seeing that man who I thought would be there forever say he was ready, that he couldn’t do it anymore, the fight was all gone. We both cried.

That day was his last real day. He wanted to go home to die. They gave him morphine and he went to sleep, they took him in an ambulance back to his house where we would meet him again the next day.

Sunday I had to go home. 3 of my kids were at home and they needed me. My Dad spent most of his day sleeping and would have moments where he would open his eyes and wake up but he was in and out a lot.  I stood by his side that day, trying to say goodbye. I knew these were my last moments with him ever.  I knew the next time I saw him his spirit would be gone.  I sat and rubbed my hand along his arm. I told him how much I loved him. Tears ran down his face and he told me he loved me. Never had I seen my Dad cry. My heart broke when I said goodbye.

We came home.

On Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go pick my kids up from school. Carter was 2 then. He had seen my Dad and talked about him sleeping in the bed at his house while we were there. But he hadn’t mentioned it again. Until that moment, it was about 3:20, he said, “Grandpa’s sleeping.” It caught me off guard. I said, what? He said it again. I texted my sister and told her, she said, “OMG, Joey(her 2 year old) just said someone’s sleeping” Joey had not been at the house to see our Dad like Carter had. I said maybe Dad was telling us he was gone so we were ready. I never thought it was true.

About half an hour later I was home and my phone rang. I knew it was my sister. She told me our Dad had passed away at the exact moments our little boys were telling us he was sleeping. People might not believe us but I know it was him. I know he was preparing me. And I was. I cried but I already knew.

Tomorrow…

When did my baby girl grow up? She is going on her first real date tomorrow 😦 Her school is having a semi-formal dance and she is going with a boy from another school that she’s been talking to. She will be 16 in March so I knew it would come but what happened to that little girl? Those of you with little ones cherish every moment. They grow up way too fast and before you know it they are becoming independent people. I know I still have little ones but my girls are both teenagers and not to long before they will both be adults. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time for just a day to see those sweet little girls again. To tell them stories and play with them. To listen to their little voices tell me they love me and want to live with me forever. I’m excited for her but sad too.It all happens so fast.

Almost through 3 days

I’ve tried all week to find time to work out and haven’t. But the good news is I’ve almost made it through 3 days without caffeine! I had some moments today though I wanted some but ate a couple marshmallows instead. figured they were better than coke!

Waiting for the baby to fall asleep then I have to finish some Frankenstein rice krispies treats then I will be using the treadmill. it won’t be too long because I’m still struggling with ankle issues but getting started us half the battle.

Day 2 of no caffeine

Well almost anyway. The day wasn’t fun. The baby didn’t sleep well anyway . I woke up with a massive headache, assuming due to no caffeine. But I’ve been drinking lots of water and it’s definitely helped. I’m exhausted though but when am I not? It can only get better right? Tomorrow my head will probably still hurt but this is the best I’ve done all year…

Today is the day.

I have been saying for months now, actually longer, that I am going to get back to exercising and eating better. But something always comes up, its that time of the month, or I am exhausted, there is always an excuse.
When Carter was 1 I did lose weight. About 30 lbs. Then My Dad died and I got pregnant and the weight came back slowly, now I am afraid to even weigh myself because I think I am even higher than that weight.
So, even though I don’t have a popular blog with a ton of followers this is my accountability post.
I will be working at this for awhile. Iknow I can do it.

The days & nights are long, but the years are short.

This is something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately. Maybe it’s the fact I have a daughter going into 10th grade or my other daughter going into 8th. I think having such a big range in kids gives me a completely different perspective on raising my little boys. Just yesterday those little girls were running around in diapers playing barbies. Just yesterday I put their hair up in pigtails and bought them Hello Kitty dresses.  But in reality just yesterday my oldest was still away for the weekend with a friend and her sister complaining I made her go to bed at 10.

And then just today I sit and hold my youngest as he naps because he loves his mama’s arms to sleep and, you know what? It’s OK. Because tomorrow will come too quickly and before I know it he will be ready for 10th grade.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like you’ve had enough of today, remember today may be long but this year will go fast.

Why does weight control me?

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Since I can remember really. Its sad that those are some of my earliest memories. My brothers used to tease me about my weight, along with my two front teeth. It made me feel horrible. I wasn’t obese, just a little chubby. My Dad would yell at them and tell them to stop it because if they didn’t I would start to believe them.

He was right.

Once when I was in the 4th grade a little girl came over to me and said something to her friend, not in a whisper, but loud enough that I could hear. She said “See I told you it looked like she was having a baby.” I wanted to run and hide.

I did have a little belly, nothing major and surely not enough that I looked like I was pregnant. But those words, even all these years later make me tear up. Kids can be cruel.

In high school, I was a good weight, but I had a friend, C we will call her. She was really thin, but not sickly. One day she told me how she made herself throw up when she ate. This was the 9th grade. I didn’t think I could do that, but I started my own bad habits. I would exercise for hours and hours and eat only tiny amounts. I did make myself vomit from time to time. It went on for a few years but I was able to conquer it on my own. I got back to a normal weight, not that I was too skinny but when I look back at pictures of myself I remember my thoughts. I never saw myself for what I was. I saw myself has overweight and awful. I never saw the thin girl that was there. I’d love to be that small again. But I know I wasn’t really healthy. I was lucky I was able to get past that on my own, so many girls aren’t as lucky as me.

After I had my first child I wasn’t terribly overweight. A little pudgy but I wasn’t much above my pre-pregnancy weight. Same with number two. It was after my 3rd that my stomach would never be the same. I had 3 c-section within 4 years and after that 3rd my muscles were ruined.

Depression doesn’t help weight loss either. I have not lived near my family in over 14 years. That is not easy for me. I miss them so much. After that 3rd baby we went 4 years before having another. But I was on antidepressants and I was not really a happy person.

A few years ago when my 5th child was 1 I started losing weight. I lost almost 30 lbs. But then summer came and the kids were home and my routine got hard and I got lazy. Snacking is my biggest obstacle.

I have been trying again, but my ankle makes it hard. It still causes pain and it is a good excuse. I hate the way I look, but more I hate the way I feel.

We have to have family pictures taken this weekend. My husband’s family is celebrating his parents retirement so they are having a big family portrait day. I am dreading it. Yesterday I went shopping to find an outfit. I am really the luckiest woman around because despite the extra 30 lbs I weight my husband couldn’t love me more. He tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him but I think he sees me how I used to be and not how I am today. I don’t know that I see myself right either, I have that image of my teenage self in my mind, the one I thought I was obese when I was one of the smaller ones. I think maybe I do see myself wrong, but then I don’t. I see the size on my clothes. I see the pictures when I actually am not behind the camera. I can be the one that’s wrong.

Being sleep deprived does nothing for my motivation to work out. Drinking coke doesn’t help. I think its probably one of my biggest challenges. But I don’t drink coffee and when you have a difficult baby like mine that likes to fight you all night long, that little bit of sugar and caffeine helps get you through the day.

So today hasn’t been a total failure. Only 1 coke so far. I can do this. Not just for me, but for my kids. Because I need to do this.