What was I thinking?

I had the bright idea to go to Toys R Us today. My 2 year is absolutely obsessed with tools. And I mean obsessed. ¬†My husband tries to be so sweet and let him play with his tools and they are now spread out all over our house. Besides being a bit dangerous, I can never find a screwdriver when I need it. So yesterday I was looking for toy tool sets online. I accidentally clicked on a Home Depot tool bench while Mason was sitting with me. BIG MISTAKE. He was even more obsessed. Wanted to sit and stare at the picture all day saying tools, only he has a speech delay so it comes out like the sound a drill makes ūüėČ

The day went on and he would get so upset if I tried to use the computer. While I made lunch I found you tube videos of kids with the tool bench, he loved that. On the way to school he had to stare at my phone with a screen shot of the tool bench.

I soon discovered this tool bench was on sale but was no where to be found, or so I thought. I ended up calling a local Toys R Us and she said yes they had 1 in stock. I had thought I could get it for his birthday, but knowing it was no longer being stocked I knew I had to go now. My thought process is well poor Mason is stuck home all alone driving me insane while the kids go to school. He has been a terror the past week wanting me to constantly occupy his time. I thought, well, this would be really good for him to play, he will play tools all day!

So we hopped in the van and went on our way, had to take the stroller out because I needed the room for the giant box. I used my Tula(baby carrier) and put Mason on my back, Carter is off school today, so he walked. Surprisingly he actually did better than normal. ¬†Now the kicking 2 year old on my back was another story. ¬†A bathroom break with a baby on my back and if you’ve never done that you have no clue just how hard it is to pull your clothes back up, of course I had to have super long skirt on today, then we were out of there.

I left Toys R Us not feeling totally irritated and annoyed like I typically do when we go somewhere, of course this was a super fast trip for the workshop and a couple small toys for the boys, I always have to get one for Riley when we go because we don’t want him left out when the other two boys get one.

Now this is where we get to the what was I thinking part.  Mason fell asleep in the van, as usual, so great, no nap at home. We drive 40 minutes, get home and of course he has to wait up, saying tools tools. The boys helped me get the box into the house.

I set to work. I have to admit I am usually the sticker person. My husband always has put together everything, kitchen sets, cars, whatever, I do the stickers cause he always messes them up. I have never attempted to put something this massive together, and I now know why.

To start with, I of course couldn’t find any decent screwdrivers! And none of the holes were actually holes. So I had to ram a screwdriver through the hole to get it started to then screw it in. Of course I could only find itty bitty screwdrivers so by the time I got to the 3rd screw my hand was on fire. I think I did two more before I said screw it and when to find the drill, letting a bee in the house that has since disappeared. ¬†After I got the drill things went smoother, well as smooth as it can go with a 2 and 5 year old “helping”.

An hour and a half later and it’s all put together, but the stickers will have to wait. They are enjoying playtime. I can’t believe how exhausting that was. ¬†Never again. I will leave the assembling to my husband and remain the sticker person from here on our.

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I’m having a miscarriage but I’m ok.

But ask me again in half an hour and I won’t be, or maybe I will. It goes back and forth.

Tuesday I got the call I was dreading. My doctor’s office called to tell me my blood results were back and my numbers decreased. I had already started spotting Monday so I knew. As much I regretted that ultrasound last week, at least I knew it was coming. ¬†I had hoped they were wrong but I think I knew in my heart, it was in fact a blighted ovum. I cruel trick a woman’s body plays on her. All the symptoms of a real pregnancy, that I even had all this past weekend, but no baby growing in that empty sac. I told the kids all last night, not all at once, I think that would have been harder. The little boys had more questions of course and I answered them the best I could. But I don’t know why it happened so I just had to tell them that. I know there was a reason, whatever that reason may be and as hard and painful as that reason may be. And my head knows its. But my heart, well that’s another story.

It’s hard posting this now, and sharing it on Facebook. Because so few people knew. ¬†And having to pretend everything is fine and I’m happy has been work this week. Hiding the massive bruise on my arm from the needle to draw my blood and just pretending everything is normal. But coming home and crying. I know there was a reason, I went through it before we had Hayley, and I know I wouldn’t have her if I didn’t. I guess I just never imagined I would be here again. ¬†I know how lucky I am. I have 6 beautiful amazing children and I know that’s more than most women, so there are bound to be some losses here and there but it doesn’t change the pain you feel.

I know this baby didn’t form properly and there was actually no baby there at all, only an empty sac. But to my heart, there was a baby, for the 5 weeks I knew, there was a baby. I regret not telling people sooner. ¬†I wish I had so I didn’t feel so alone through it all. ¬†But I know it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would still be heartbroken and I would still cry, only then I would have probably had comments about how many kids we had, probably not to my face, but I know how people talk.

If we are lucky enough to be blessed with another baby in the future, we will, after my heart has healed. ¬†And if you think we are wrong, that’s your opinion, so please keep it to yourself, because to our family every baby is a blessing, even this one that never made it.

I think this is it.

I had more bloodwork done Saturday but don’t know the results. My arm sure looks terrible from it so I look like I was beat. I don’t handle bloodwork, my veins aren’t good and I often bruise badly. She jabbed me pretty good this time. I need to find my arnica.

But I am spotting this morning, feel a little crampy, that could be my head but I don’t think so. I think this is it and I won’t be having a baby afterall right now.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? And I will have to now tell all the kids that we aren’t having a baby afterall.

We thought we were having a(nother) baby

but maybe we’re not.

It’s all very confusing right now and my heart is broken.

There was some confusion on my dates. Come to realize that was my fault. I was so set on a date, I had it in my mind that I didn’t realize I was wrong. It wasn’t until yesterday I realized that but it was too late to prevent the worst day.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday morning. I truly had no clue how far I was. I went in and told him that.

I was expecting to see a baby, of some size anyway.

But we didn’t. We saw an empty gestational sac. My heart sank. The tech asked if he could do an internal ultrasound at that point. He asked if anyone had ever told me my uterus tipped backwards. Yes I said long ago. He continued and still only saw a sac. He never told me how far it measured. He mentioned a blighted ovum, the words were familiar but I had no idea what it meant.

I sat there and tried to hold back the tears. It didn’t matter this baby wasn’t planned. After the initial shock we were happy and excited and it was something we were planning and looking forward to. This was like a stab in my heart. Especially when I had to go to the waiting room, where the obvious pregnant women were, and where my 14 year old was with her 2 year old brother. Where I had to hold back the tears and wait for the tech to tell me he called my dr and they wanted me to go in.

What was supposed to tell me my due date was now the worst moment ever. I had to then drive half an hour to get to my dr’s office, all while Mason screamed his head off because I didn’t let him push the button to open the doors to leave the office. I had to try to tell my daughter to explain why I needed to go somewhere else but I just started crying. I sent a text to my husband because I knew if I told him on the phone I wouldn’t make it through the drive. ¬†It was the longest drive ever.

After getting there, the office was full so I said I was taking my kids to eat lunch. We ate and came back. Thankfully it was empty and we got right back in.

My dr, while he is a super nice guy, isn’t always on top of things, I feel. He told me he wanted me to get blood work then and then again tomorrow but I would probably start bleeding over the weekend. I have no pain, zero signs of miscarriage, so I don’t look for that to happen, but maybe he is right. I just don’t see why it would be different than days ago. An ultrasound didn’t magically change things. I asked if they said how big the sac was and he said no they didn’t but I saw the paper when he left the room for a minute and it looked like it said 5 weeks 2 days from what I could read. According to my last period, I should be 7 weeks.

So I sit here in limbo, not knowing if I am or not having a baby. And the worst part is I was waiting until this ultrasound to announce it to my friends and family, only a couple of people know. I had originally written a post here and saved it to post when I made the big announcement but now that one seems pointless. I feel lost and alone, unsure if the blood results even matter because it seems my levels¬†can still rise if it is indeed a blighted ovum. Wondering if my tilted uterus could be causing the baby to be hiding and the sac measuring smaller. Having no one to talk to other than my due date group but then seeing ultrasounds of healthy pregnancies and driving my husband insane obsessing about it. I don’t think he understands I can’t just let it go and not think about it. I will get busy with kids and it leaves my mind but then its there again and what was and what was going to be feels gone forever.

I had a miscarriage with my 1st baby, I know there was a reason, but in those moments it seems hopeless. I know I wouldn’t have my Hayley if I had that baby, but in those moments it’s heartbreaking. You wonder what’s wrong with you? In my case then, I wondered could I even ever have kids(yes that is laughable now after six but it really was my fear). Now I wonder, am I too old? Am I not meant to have another? Because yes, even though this particular baby was a suprise, we have been talking about another. I wonder why after 6 healthy babies this has to happen now. ¬†I know how lucky I am that I have those wonderful children and am trying to think of that.

I referred to the baby as lucky #7, had a whole shirt planned to get pictures taken in and post on Facebook. Now that seems like a cruel joke to me as I wonder if there even is a baby #7. I know I’m not truly alone, I know so many women go through this, but I have no one to turn to. No one to just hug me and say it’s ok. If this baby isn’t there, it’s ok, because it really was a baby to me, not just an empty sac but in my heart a baby. My husband does try, but he has an easier time of letting things go, he obsesses about other things, this isn’t one of them. ¬†Only time will tell, but my hope is sinking.

So I came here to at least get my feelings out. I haven’t written here much lately so I doubt anyone I know will read it. I’m trying to decide whether I should share it to Facebook or leave it here alone. And today had to be our anniversary to top it all off. 18 years together. Here’s to many more…

It’s been so long again

Every day I think of coming here to write and every day passes and I don’t.

Life gets so busy with silly mundane things and my thoughts go by with me taking the time to put them somewhere. I even bought a journal. I wrote in it once. I bought one of those books to record grateful moments, wrote in it once. You see the pattern?

But I wanted to put my thoughts here today and will try to more often. Kids will be back at school soon, maybe I will have time.

I have been thinking of my Dad a lot. My Dad passed away May 22, 2012. I keep thinking about him for some reason, someone comments on a picture of him on Facebook or my kids say something to remind me of him. I think of him anyway but today I have been thinking of his final days. Oh how I miss him. How I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss how he teased me and could always make us laugh. He was never too serious. My Dad had cancer. First it was colon cancer. He had part of his colon removed and went through radiation. It was hard and it sucked but he fought it. ¬†He wouldn’t give up. When I would call him and ask how he was, he would always say I’m still here. I would tell him good and it better stay that way. You never imagine it won’t. ¬†The few months before his death I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t call. Family stresses, stupid anxieties of my own. He got liver cancer. He never called me. And that was hurtful and made me upset. But I didn’t call either. And its something I will regret forever. ¬†The week before he died I found out I was pregnant with our 6th baby. ¬†If I had waited till the day I should have tested it would have been the day I found out he was dying. But 2 days after I found out, we told our kids, my husband went to work, then my sister called. She told me our Dad was really bad. This was a huge shock. I thought he was doing ok. I had to ask her, do I need to come? They live in Ohio, I am in Ontario, Canada. She said she would ask my step mom. She called me back and said, you need to come.

You are never prepared for the death of a parent. We went to see my Dad. He had been in the hospital having stints put in his liver to try and help, they wanted to be more aggressive with the chemo but he was too weak. Nothing was working. I got there and went with my sister on a Friday. Just me and her. I will never forget that day. It was one of the worst days but will always be in my heart. It was moments my sister and I will have forever.

My once strong father lay in a hospital bed. He couldn’t move on his own and he was so tired. We spent the day taking care of him. Feeding him lunch, soup and Luigi’s Italian Ice. ¬†His lips were so chapped he complained and I let him use my chapstick, it was strawberry banana and he joked he would eat it as he smacked his lips. ¬†My sister and I struggled to get him comfortable and move him. We watched him sleep.

We each stood by his side as he signed his DNR. ¬†That is probably one of the hardest moments I have ever experienced. Seeing that man who I thought would be there forever say he was ready, that he couldn’t do it anymore, the fight was all gone. We both cried.

That day was his last real day. He wanted to go home to die. They gave him morphine and he went to sleep, they took him in an ambulance back to his house where we would meet him again the next day.

Sunday I had to go home. 3 of my kids were at home and they needed me. My Dad spent most of his day sleeping and would have moments where he would open his eyes and wake up but he was in and out a lot.  I stood by his side that day, trying to say goodbye. I knew these were my last moments with him ever.  I knew the next time I saw him his spirit would be gone.  I sat and rubbed my hand along his arm. I told him how much I loved him. Tears ran down his face and he told me he loved me. Never had I seen my Dad cry. My heart broke when I said goodbye.

We came home.

On Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go pick my kids up from school. Carter was 2 then. He had seen my Dad and talked about him sleeping in the bed at his house while we were there. But he hadn’t mentioned it again. Until that moment, it was about 3:20, he said, “Grandpa’s sleeping.” It caught me off guard. I said, what? He said it again. I texted my sister and told her, she said, “OMG, Joey(her 2 year old) just said someone’s sleeping” Joey had not been at the house to see our Dad like Carter had. I said maybe Dad was telling us he was gone so we were ready. I never thought it was true.

About half an hour later I was home and my phone rang. I knew it was my sister. She told me our Dad had passed away at the exact moments our little boys were telling us he was sleeping. People might not believe us but I know it was him. I know he was preparing me. And I was. I cried but I already knew.

Tomorrow…

When did my baby girl grow up? She is going on her first real date tomorrow ūüė¶ Her school is having a semi-formal dance and she is going with a boy from another school that she’s been talking to. She will be 16 in March so I knew it would come but what happened to that little girl? Those of you with little ones cherish every moment. They grow up way too fast and before you know it they are becoming independent people. I know I still have little ones but my girls are both teenagers and not to long before they will both be adults. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time for just a day to see those sweet little girls again. To tell them stories and play with them. To listen to their little voices tell me they love me and want to live with me forever. I’m excited for her but sad too.It all happens so fast.

Almost through 3 days

I’ve tried all week to find time to work out and haven’t. But the good news is I’ve almost made it through 3 days without caffeine! I had some moments today though I wanted some but ate a couple marshmallows instead. figured they were better than coke!

Waiting for the baby to fall asleep then I have to finish some Frankenstein rice krispies treats then I will be using the treadmill. it won’t be too long because I’m still struggling with ankle issues but getting started us half the battle.

Day 2 of no caffeine

Well almost anyway. The day wasn’t fun. The baby didn’t sleep well anyway . I woke up with a massive headache, assuming due to no caffeine. But I’ve been drinking lots of water and it’s definitely helped. I’m exhausted though but when am I not? It can only get better right? Tomorrow my head will probably still hurt but this is the best I’ve done all year…

Today is the day.

I have been saying for months now, actually longer, that I am going to get back to exercising and eating better. But something always comes up, its that time of the month, or I am exhausted, there is always an excuse.
When Carter was 1 I did lose weight. About 30 lbs. Then My Dad died and I got pregnant and the weight came back slowly, now I am afraid to even weigh myself because I think I am even higher than that weight.
So, even though I don’t have a popular blog with a ton of followers this is my accountability post.
I will be working at this for awhile. Iknow I can do it.