This time last year

Last year this was one of my hardest times of my life.  September 3, I started the day excited. I was having my first ultrasound. We thought I was about 9 weeks pregnant but weren’t sure on dates so my doctor had me going to an ultrasound. I was finally going to find out my due date and see the little person growing inside of me.

I drove there with Tyleigh and Mason, because Mason was too difficult to leave home. He wasn’t much better in the waiting room, screaming the entire time.

When I went back to get my ultrasound I was so excited, a little nervous because I hadn’t been feeling sick much but didn’t actually think anything serious was wrong. When the tech looked I knew something was wrong. I watched the screen and just knew.

The sac was empty. There was no baby growing where a baby should be. He tried an internal ultrasound hoping that the baby was just in a different angle. But still nothing.  He said it was a blighted ovum. I had heard the word before but I had no idea what it meant.  I sat there crying, all alone. And then had to go out into the waiting room where my kids were and wait, in a room full of pregnant women, for the tech to get my dr on the phone to find out what they wanted me to do.  Waiting for what seemed like forever, holding back my tears, not wanting to say a word to Tyleigh because I knew I would break down crying.

When we left I tried to tell her and just cried. My doctor wanted to see me so I had to then drive there. And called my husband to tell him. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never expected this to happen. We lost our first baby in Feb 1998, so many years ago. I had 6 healthy pregnancies since then. Who would think I would lose another?

The following months were even worse though. I bled for months. I had to tell my family doctor I thought I had retained tissues. He dismissed it but agreed to let me get an ultrasound. I was right.  For months I was emotionally a mess. My body wouldn’t let go of the remaining tissues and kept coming back with positive pregnancy tests. I felt completely alone.  I would talk to my husband sometimes, but after months I worried he was tired of hearing me go on and cry about it. He never said that of course, and always told me to tell him how I felt.  It’s something no one could understand. Not only did a have a miscarriage but it wouldn’t end.  I cried myself to sleep every night. I started worrying something was wrong with me, more than just the retained tissues, never google when you are going through this. I feared I would never have another baby.  Near the end of November I saw my OB. We were going on vacation for two weeks to Florida and I was so afraid of it being a mistake, of something bad happening while I was away.  He said he thought things were ending, my hcg numbers were dropping, so slowly, but they were dropping. He wanted me to wait and see if it ended on it’s own. And told me to go enjoy my vacation. That was good to hear because I didn’t want the risk of a d&c anyway.  Any trauma to my uterus could cause me to not have a successful following pregnancy.  We went to Florida and of course I started bleeding again.  Much heavier towards the end of our trip.  I kept testing and kept getting positives.  Finally on my birthday, Dec 14, I got a negative test. I had never in my life been so happy to get a negative!

I think though, that at that point was when the sadness really came. I should’ve been almost ready to have a baby and I wasn’t. April came and my heart was broken. It took a long time to feel like I was healing, finally when May hit I was starting to feel like me again. Although I had ruined all my weightloss from the summer before and gained a lot of weight, I was finally able to not cry every time I thought of that time.  I think the hardest part was that the baby never formed and was never there and to me, there was a baby. To my heart there was a little person growing there, so knowing there wasn’t was the worst part for me. We’d been making plans and talking about names before we found out. We were honestly excited about this new little person. So hearing that there was no little person ever there was the hardest moments of all.  I was told so many times, it doesn’t matter that the baby never formed, that to me it was there and it was ok to grieve that loss.  I did have some wonderful online friends that helped me through it. But in real life I had to go through the motions of being ok and not breaking down in tears every time I talked to someone. I pretended I was fine and took care of my kids and no one knew otherwise. It was a very sad time for me.  It’s not something that is easy to get over. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought that was hard. And it was. But it didn’t compare to my pain this time. Maybe that’s because I knew what I’d lost, after having babies. Maybe it’s because I am older and worried about the idea of never having another. I can’t say.

Near the end of June, right before Father’s Day actually, we got a surprise. We had talked on an off about the idea of having another. The worry of what if we had complications weighed heavily on both of us. Whether we should even try to have another baby. At the time I got a positive, I wasn’t actually expecting it.  I’d had very strange cycles and never even noticed when I ovulated.  I can usually tell very obviously.  So I was surprised and so excited.  I normally tell my husband immediately. But since Father’s day was 2 days away I waited. The wait was killing me.  But it was the perfect day to tell him he was going to be a daddy once again.

I am now 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where I live you don’t typically see an OB until much later in your pregnancy so I have been seeing my family doctor. He hasn’t been very good about things. Normally you’d get an early ultrasound after a loss to make sure things were fine but I had to wait until 12 weeks. I was so scared and worried. That day I felt like I was going to throw up, and not because of morning sickness. When I saw my little baby moving and it’s heart beating, a weight lifted off of me and I couldn’t help but cry. I explained why I was so nervous and the tech said the baby had a strong heartbeat.

We are all excited about this new member of our family. I can imagine what people say, we have a lot of kids, but I really don’t care. My husband and I raise them, take care of them and love them with every bit of who we are.  They aren’t perfect, no one is, and we are doing the best we can. I just hope everyone is as happy for us as they say they are, because this is a life to be celebrated, as all of our babies are.

This will be our last baby.  That makes me sad.  But I know my health is more important. If I didn’t have c-sections I’d probably have a dozen. When I had my first baby, I found my place in this world. I can’t imagine being anything else but a mom. Sure I have days where I wish I could do something more and maybe someday I will. But these little (and not so little anymore) people are my world. Which is also why I know we shouldn’t have anymore. As of my 12 week ultrasound my placenta was anterior and at the top. I go to see my OB next week. I am expecting him to book my big ultrasound and we will know for sure by then what my placenta has decided to do. I have had no issues so far at all.  I have been sick for a long time and tired but otherwise everything is going well.  I am waiting to see again if that’s still the case. My biggest fear is that it will get stuck to my placenta and put both me and the baby at risk. But for now I am going to enjoy growing this little person, when it doesn’t exhaust me and make me sick all day. I am going to look forward to the day I get to hold him(no we don’t know it’s a boy but after 4 boys in a row I am expecting it).

I will try to do better and post more on this journey.  Life gets so busy….

baby-locket

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The miscarriage from hell.

I never imagined something could last so long and be so completely painful emotionally.

It has been almost 4 months since I had that awful ultrasound telling me I had a blighted ovum. I thought at that time that by January we would be able to start thinking of trying again. How wrong I was.

The roller coaster my body has had me on the past 4 months has been cruel and lonely. I have only ever gone through the one other loss and that was 17 years ago, it was nothing like this. I also went on birth control right away and my cycle went back to normal quickly. I got pregnant soon after without planning it. This time has been a blur of emotions and fears.

All of Sept I bled. The first 2 weeks very heavily, the last 2 was spotting. I stopped bleeding the beginning of Oct. 28 days later I started spotting again. I thought yay! My period is coming back. I was so wrong. For the next month I was spotting constantly. My family dr sent me to get an ultrasound. I was concerned I had retained tissues because my HCG beta wasn’t dropping very well. He thought I was just getting back to normal and my body was trying to have a period. He was wrong.

They discovered I did have retained tissues. I was going on vacation in a week, to Florida from Canada, for 2 weeks, so I needed something decided. My gynecologist saw me and did a couple of ultrasounds.  I was spotting on and off. My numbers were dropping, slowly but finally dropping.  the result of his ultrasound looked good, but he didn’t do an internal. I went away on vacation with no spotting and feeling like things were finally on its way to being over.

After I was in Florida for less than a week the spotting started again. I thought it must just be the beginning of the end. By the end of the second week I was passing tissues and bleeding heavily. I was hoping it was a period.

On Dec. 14, my 39th birthday, I got my first negative pregnancy test since July. I was so happy. I thought this must be it, it’s almost over!

Since then the spotting is still there and sometimes pretty heavy, I am also passing tissues.  It actually seems like I have experienced a second miscarriage. Not in the sense that I got pregnant and lost another but that it never finished so I am going through it all again.

I feel so lost and alone. I have no one that I talk to about it, except my poor husband. The tissue had gotten stuck to the inside of my c-section scar, which is also why the dr didn’t see anything when he did the ultrasound before our trip.

My plan now is to wait through this week because I am losing tissue and the bleeding is darker, I am hoping its the last of it and will be done by Monday. And if it isn’t then Monday I call my dr again and ask for another ultrasound to see if there is something left.

I never imagined it could go on this long. I know, normally women have a d & c, I don’t want that. I have had 6 c-sections, 6 times having trauma to my uterus. If I have another procedure, the d&c, that is one more procedure and it scares me that it would be one more thing why I shouldn’t have one last baby. We haven’t decided to go ahead with another baby right now anyway just because of the worries that this did get stuck and I don’t want to end up with placenta accreta. My dr talked to me about it and did make me feel better about it if that did happen with a future pregnancy. I know we can’t know the future. Right now I just want to get through now, to get past this, to feel normal and back to myself. I keep telling myself that it’s almost over, and I keep thinking that, but it just doesn’t feel like it…..

The things they don’t tell you

When my doctor’s office called to tell me I was miscarrrying she was not helpful at all. At that point I was spotting so I asked so I just wait for the bleeding? She said yes and that was it. There is so much more.

Having had a miscarrriage before I thought I would know what to expect, but it was March 1998 when I lost our very first baby. That was 17 years ago, wow does that ever seem like another life.

It started with spotting then, I remember that. I didn’t go to work for a few days, I did go with my husband, we weren’t married at the time so I was living in Virginia and he was in Ontario Canada. He drove a truck, that’s how we met, I should tell that story someday.  He was doing his normal work so I went along because they told me to take a few days off of work. I don’t remember how long the bleeding lasted, but I know when I passed the baby and it wasn’t very long. I was only 6 weeks then and 22 so maybe my body was younger and faster to get rid of it.

Now I am 38, soon to be 39, and it has definitely not been the same. And, after 17 years, I don’t even know I remember it all. I know how sad I was. And that definitely is the same, and even my worries are the same. Then I worried there was something wrong with me. To lose my very first baby maybe I could never have children. Now I worry after 6 kids maybe I won’t be able to have that last baby we were hoping for. My husband keeps reassuring me I’m not too old and we will try again. But the worry is there.

I bled for 2 full weeks. Plus on and off spotting ever since. That is so much longer than I expected. I was only about 8 weeks pregnant I think, I didn’t think it would cause this much more.  But then I haven’t taken it easy.  I think that might have been part of my problem.

Everyone in my family has just moved on. No one sees the physical side of this but me and my poor deprived husband lol.  I try to hide the emotional side from the kids. Sometimes it seeps out.  I am completely exhausted. I was trying to exercise and thought maybe I should take a break till the bleeding lessens. I thought maybe I was doing more hard than good so I’ve taken a couple days off.  The sadness remains in my heart, I am able to keep it away most days, then others it takes over and I am sad and have to remind myself I am so truly lucky. My little boys really do help with that.

But I am heading to healing.  It helps I am planning a Florida vacation. And my boys have so much hockey to keep me busy. I am trying to work on losing weight.  This pregnancy wasn’t planned and I wanted to lose some before so I try to tell myself that if anything good comes of it that should be it. Now I just have to get past my emotional eating.

It’s been almost a month since I found out and there are times I think, I should be pregnant and looking forward to a baby, but I know the baby didn’t form and there was no chance of that. It’s just heartbreaking and I still cry. I know everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. I don’t know I will ever know the reason but I am going to enjoy Disney World not pregnant now and ride tons of rides and have tons of fun with my family. And maybe next year we will still have a baby.

I almost didn’t post about my miscarriage to my friends and family. Only two people outside of my family knew about our pregnancy. I am so glad I did. I was comforted by so many of my friends that had gone through it as well. So many that I had no idea they were even pregnant. It’s so sad how women suffer in silence. We have to be the strong ones and hide our feelings, from moms that haven’t carried a full term baby to moms of many like me. I hope I was able to let them all know how much their words meant to me. It helped me get through one of the hardest things of my life.

I’m having a miscarriage but I’m ok.

But ask me again in half an hour and I won’t be, or maybe I will. It goes back and forth.

Tuesday I got the call I was dreading. My doctor’s office called to tell me my blood results were back and my numbers decreased. I had already started spotting Monday so I knew. As much I regretted that ultrasound last week, at least I knew it was coming.  I had hoped they were wrong but I think I knew in my heart, it was in fact a blighted ovum. I cruel trick a woman’s body plays on her. All the symptoms of a real pregnancy, that I even had all this past weekend, but no baby growing in that empty sac. I told the kids all last night, not all at once, I think that would have been harder. The little boys had more questions of course and I answered them the best I could. But I don’t know why it happened so I just had to tell them that. I know there was a reason, whatever that reason may be and as hard and painful as that reason may be. And my head knows its. But my heart, well that’s another story.

It’s hard posting this now, and sharing it on Facebook. Because so few people knew.  And having to pretend everything is fine and I’m happy has been work this week. Hiding the massive bruise on my arm from the needle to draw my blood and just pretending everything is normal. But coming home and crying. I know there was a reason, I went through it before we had Hayley, and I know I wouldn’t have her if I didn’t. I guess I just never imagined I would be here again.  I know how lucky I am. I have 6 beautiful amazing children and I know that’s more than most women, so there are bound to be some losses here and there but it doesn’t change the pain you feel.

I know this baby didn’t form properly and there was actually no baby there at all, only an empty sac. But to my heart, there was a baby, for the 5 weeks I knew, there was a baby. I regret not telling people sooner.  I wish I had so I didn’t feel so alone through it all.  But I know it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would still be heartbroken and I would still cry, only then I would have probably had comments about how many kids we had, probably not to my face, but I know how people talk.

If we are lucky enough to be blessed with another baby in the future, we will, after my heart has healed.  And if you think we are wrong, that’s your opinion, so please keep it to yourself, because to our family every baby is a blessing, even this one that never made it.

I think this is it.

I had more bloodwork done Saturday but don’t know the results. My arm sure looks terrible from it so I look like I was beat. I don’t handle bloodwork, my veins aren’t good and I often bruise badly. She jabbed me pretty good this time. I need to find my arnica.

But I am spotting this morning, feel a little crampy, that could be my head but I don’t think so. I think this is it and I won’t be having a baby afterall right now.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? And I will have to now tell all the kids that we aren’t having a baby afterall.

We thought we were having a(nother) baby

but maybe we’re not.

It’s all very confusing right now and my heart is broken.

There was some confusion on my dates. Come to realize that was my fault. I was so set on a date, I had it in my mind that I didn’t realize I was wrong. It wasn’t until yesterday I realized that but it was too late to prevent the worst day.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday morning. I truly had no clue how far I was. I went in and told him that.

I was expecting to see a baby, of some size anyway.

But we didn’t. We saw an empty gestational sac. My heart sank. The tech asked if he could do an internal ultrasound at that point. He asked if anyone had ever told me my uterus tipped backwards. Yes I said long ago. He continued and still only saw a sac. He never told me how far it measured. He mentioned a blighted ovum, the words were familiar but I had no idea what it meant.

I sat there and tried to hold back the tears. It didn’t matter this baby wasn’t planned. After the initial shock we were happy and excited and it was something we were planning and looking forward to. This was like a stab in my heart. Especially when I had to go to the waiting room, where the obvious pregnant women were, and where my 14 year old was with her 2 year old brother. Where I had to hold back the tears and wait for the tech to tell me he called my dr and they wanted me to go in.

What was supposed to tell me my due date was now the worst moment ever. I had to then drive half an hour to get to my dr’s office, all while Mason screamed his head off because I didn’t let him push the button to open the doors to leave the office. I had to try to tell my daughter to explain why I needed to go somewhere else but I just started crying. I sent a text to my husband because I knew if I told him on the phone I wouldn’t make it through the drive.  It was the longest drive ever.

After getting there, the office was full so I said I was taking my kids to eat lunch. We ate and came back. Thankfully it was empty and we got right back in.

My dr, while he is a super nice guy, isn’t always on top of things, I feel. He told me he wanted me to get blood work then and then again tomorrow but I would probably start bleeding over the weekend. I have no pain, zero signs of miscarriage, so I don’t look for that to happen, but maybe he is right. I just don’t see why it would be different than days ago. An ultrasound didn’t magically change things. I asked if they said how big the sac was and he said no they didn’t but I saw the paper when he left the room for a minute and it looked like it said 5 weeks 2 days from what I could read. According to my last period, I should be 7 weeks.

So I sit here in limbo, not knowing if I am or not having a baby. And the worst part is I was waiting until this ultrasound to announce it to my friends and family, only a couple of people know. I had originally written a post here and saved it to post when I made the big announcement but now that one seems pointless. I feel lost and alone, unsure if the blood results even matter because it seems my levels can still rise if it is indeed a blighted ovum. Wondering if my tilted uterus could be causing the baby to be hiding and the sac measuring smaller. Having no one to talk to other than my due date group but then seeing ultrasounds of healthy pregnancies and driving my husband insane obsessing about it. I don’t think he understands I can’t just let it go and not think about it. I will get busy with kids and it leaves my mind but then its there again and what was and what was going to be feels gone forever.

I had a miscarriage with my 1st baby, I know there was a reason, but in those moments it seems hopeless. I know I wouldn’t have my Hayley if I had that baby, but in those moments it’s heartbreaking. You wonder what’s wrong with you? In my case then, I wondered could I even ever have kids(yes that is laughable now after six but it really was my fear). Now I wonder, am I too old? Am I not meant to have another? Because yes, even though this particular baby was a suprise, we have been talking about another. I wonder why after 6 healthy babies this has to happen now.  I know how lucky I am that I have those wonderful children and am trying to think of that.

I referred to the baby as lucky #7, had a whole shirt planned to get pictures taken in and post on Facebook. Now that seems like a cruel joke to me as I wonder if there even is a baby #7. I know I’m not truly alone, I know so many women go through this, but I have no one to turn to. No one to just hug me and say it’s ok. If this baby isn’t there, it’s ok, because it really was a baby to me, not just an empty sac but in my heart a baby. My husband does try, but he has an easier time of letting things go, he obsesses about other things, this isn’t one of them.  Only time will tell, but my hope is sinking.

So I came here to at least get my feelings out. I haven’t written here much lately so I doubt anyone I know will read it. I’m trying to decide whether I should share it to Facebook or leave it here alone. And today had to be our anniversary to top it all off. 18 years together. Here’s to many more…

The days & nights are long, but the years are short.

This is something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately. Maybe it’s the fact I have a daughter going into 10th grade or my other daughter going into 8th. I think having such a big range in kids gives me a completely different perspective on raising my little boys. Just yesterday those little girls were running around in diapers playing barbies. Just yesterday I put their hair up in pigtails and bought them Hello Kitty dresses.  But in reality just yesterday my oldest was still away for the weekend with a friend and her sister complaining I made her go to bed at 10.

And then just today I sit and hold my youngest as he naps because he loves his mama’s arms to sleep and, you know what? It’s OK. Because tomorrow will come too quickly and before I know it he will be ready for 10th grade.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like you’ve had enough of today, remember today may be long but this year will go fast.

My children have hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Can you believe 15 years of being a mom and I have never dealt with this?

Last week the baby was throwing up and had diarrhea. I couldn’t figure out what he had. Last week my 11 year old came home crying from school because he felt so bad. His throat and just all over. This weekend I looked at his throat, nasty little spots. He also had a rash on his feet. The thought crossed my mind but then it went away. Then my 13 year old got what we thought was acne. But then she has some blister looking things on her hands and feet. She has some warts too and thought that was more. Last night I noticed the baby has some spots on his butt and he got a fever. Then tonight I noticed that my 4 year old has some identical spots on his face.

It all started clicking. I am not even sure where this will go. I guess they have to stay home from school. Two out of six, let’s hope that’s all….

It’s been awhile again

It’s funny how life gets away from you and then you realize how nothing seems to have gotten done.

I feel like that a lot. I look back over my day and think “What did I do today?” Well, I did take care of 6 children so that’s a start! But I look around the house and it doesn’t look like anything has been done. Yes I made meals, I may or may not have bathed children 😉 I brushed teeth, drove to and from school, fed the baby, held the baby, put the baby to sleep. Showed the 4 year old how to color or sound out a word, listened to the 6 year old read at bedtime(and let me tell you I will never tired of listening to those sweet little words!), forced older kids to shower or empty the dishwasher, listened to the teenage daughter tell me all about so and so and who did what at school or cheerleading, washed cloth diapers, tried to wash laundry, put the clean laundry in the basket and never get it folded, load the dishwasher, make sure the cat isn’t starving, trip over a few toys, stumble into my bed and wake up the baby. I have to remind myself that what I do daily may not look like much but when I think about it, it’s huge. I am growing a family, I am teaching these little(and not so little) people how to grow into good responsible adults. And that is the biggest accomplishment of all.

My baby is one!

I have been trying to find the time to write this for a few days now but last week I fell down the stairs(this was actually the second time in less than a week). I sprained my foot and ankle pretty badly. I was convinced it was broken. I couldn’t stop crying. I was going downstairs and my ankle twisted and rolled under me. Luckily I was only a couple from the bottom but the pain was excruciating. I would rank it up there close to a kidney stone and c-sections! But I had to walk on it. I was getting the little boys ready for gymnastics. Carter is having some issues adjusting so I was not missing it. Tyleigh went with me to help me and every step I wanted to crumble in a ball. I felt like my foot and ankle were going to crack apart. After I finally hobbled in and out we headed home. My husband wasn’t home yet and finally got home around 9 and took me to the ER. It wasn’t broken, but a severe sprain, ordered me crutches. CRUTCHES I tell you. A mom of an almost 1 yr old who is not yet walking unassisted. I was worried.

Pretty much I sat and did nothing all weekend. Unfortunately that’s what everyone else did too. So the house kind of fell apart. My poor husband is not made for this, he ordered pizza for lunch and ate what we could, he grilled a bit. By Monday he was supposed to go back to work. But my helpers were all leaving me. Tyleigh had been amazing! She ran anytime I asked her to get Mason for me, if I said ow, she would ask are you ok? Every single time. That’s my little mama.  So hubby asked his work to reschedule his delivery and they did. The good thing about that was he was able to be home for Mason’t allergist appointment(more on that later) on Tuesday morning. His sister had been planning on coming with me but she came over and watched Carter for me instead, and, the best part of all, she cleaned my house. I came home and it was so nice to have the dishes caught up, the floors picked up. I couldn’t help but get weepy.

So Mike went back to work after school that day and then Wednesday was hard. I didn’t use my crutches, yes bad patient. For some reason I had it in my mind I would defy the doctors 2-6 weeks of healing and be better in a matter of days. I was wrong. I was then in a lot of pain too.

So Thursday was my baby’s first birthday and here I could barely stand. I baked him cupcakes. We were supposed to have a little party for him this weekend but because of my accident I had to postpone it till next weekend. He still completely enjoyed those cupcakes. I have never seen him shove so much food in his mouth! It was adorable. He loved his presents and it was a good day.

So this turned into more about my foot than Mason’s birthday. But I have been thinking so much about his birth the past few days. How lucky I am and how special it was. I will write up another post about that though.

My ankle is feeling better. I have moments of severe pain and am able to go crutch free mostly. But it gets tired and if I turn the wrong way or put pressure on the wrong spot it sends shooting pains through it all. Its my left foot but driving it irritating it because of the angle it sits I think. I hope it gets better soon. I have 2 parties to do! Carter will be 4 soon!