This time last year

Last year this was one of my hardest times of my life.  September 3, I started the day excited. I was having my first ultrasound. We thought I was about 9 weeks pregnant but weren’t sure on dates so my doctor had me going to an ultrasound. I was finally going to find out my due date and see the little person growing inside of me.

I drove there with Tyleigh and Mason, because Mason was too difficult to leave home. He wasn’t much better in the waiting room, screaming the entire time.

When I went back to get my ultrasound I was so excited, a little nervous because I hadn’t been feeling sick much but didn’t actually think anything serious was wrong. When the tech looked I knew something was wrong. I watched the screen and just knew.

The sac was empty. There was no baby growing where a baby should be. He tried an internal ultrasound hoping that the baby was just in a different angle. But still nothing.  He said it was a blighted ovum. I had heard the word before but I had no idea what it meant.  I sat there crying, all alone. And then had to go out into the waiting room where my kids were and wait, in a room full of pregnant women, for the tech to get my dr on the phone to find out what they wanted me to do.  Waiting for what seemed like forever, holding back my tears, not wanting to say a word to Tyleigh because I knew I would break down crying.

When we left I tried to tell her and just cried. My doctor wanted to see me so I had to then drive there. And called my husband to tell him. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never expected this to happen. We lost our first baby in Feb 1998, so many years ago. I had 6 healthy pregnancies since then. Who would think I would lose another?

The following months were even worse though. I bled for months. I had to tell my family doctor I thought I had retained tissues. He dismissed it but agreed to let me get an ultrasound. I was right.  For months I was emotionally a mess. My body wouldn’t let go of the remaining tissues and kept coming back with positive pregnancy tests. I felt completely alone.  I would talk to my husband sometimes, but after months I worried he was tired of hearing me go on and cry about it. He never said that of course, and always told me to tell him how I felt.  It’s something no one could understand. Not only did a have a miscarriage but it wouldn’t end.  I cried myself to sleep every night. I started worrying something was wrong with me, more than just the retained tissues, never google when you are going through this. I feared I would never have another baby.  Near the end of November I saw my OB. We were going on vacation for two weeks to Florida and I was so afraid of it being a mistake, of something bad happening while I was away.  He said he thought things were ending, my hcg numbers were dropping, so slowly, but they were dropping. He wanted me to wait and see if it ended on it’s own. And told me to go enjoy my vacation. That was good to hear because I didn’t want the risk of a d&c anyway.  Any trauma to my uterus could cause me to not have a successful following pregnancy.  We went to Florida and of course I started bleeding again.  Much heavier towards the end of our trip.  I kept testing and kept getting positives.  Finally on my birthday, Dec 14, I got a negative test. I had never in my life been so happy to get a negative!

I think though, that at that point was when the sadness really came. I should’ve been almost ready to have a baby and I wasn’t. April came and my heart was broken. It took a long time to feel like I was healing, finally when May hit I was starting to feel like me again. Although I had ruined all my weightloss from the summer before and gained a lot of weight, I was finally able to not cry every time I thought of that time.  I think the hardest part was that the baby never formed and was never there and to me, there was a baby. To my heart there was a little person growing there, so knowing there wasn’t was the worst part for me. We’d been making plans and talking about names before we found out. We were honestly excited about this new little person. So hearing that there was no little person ever there was the hardest moments of all.  I was told so many times, it doesn’t matter that the baby never formed, that to me it was there and it was ok to grieve that loss.  I did have some wonderful online friends that helped me through it. But in real life I had to go through the motions of being ok and not breaking down in tears every time I talked to someone. I pretended I was fine and took care of my kids and no one knew otherwise. It was a very sad time for me.  It’s not something that is easy to get over. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought that was hard. And it was. But it didn’t compare to my pain this time. Maybe that’s because I knew what I’d lost, after having babies. Maybe it’s because I am older and worried about the idea of never having another. I can’t say.

Near the end of June, right before Father’s Day actually, we got a surprise. We had talked on an off about the idea of having another. The worry of what if we had complications weighed heavily on both of us. Whether we should even try to have another baby. At the time I got a positive, I wasn’t actually expecting it.  I’d had very strange cycles and never even noticed when I ovulated.  I can usually tell very obviously.  So I was surprised and so excited.  I normally tell my husband immediately. But since Father’s day was 2 days away I waited. The wait was killing me.  But it was the perfect day to tell him he was going to be a daddy once again.

I am now 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where I live you don’t typically see an OB until much later in your pregnancy so I have been seeing my family doctor. He hasn’t been very good about things. Normally you’d get an early ultrasound after a loss to make sure things were fine but I had to wait until 12 weeks. I was so scared and worried. That day I felt like I was going to throw up, and not because of morning sickness. When I saw my little baby moving and it’s heart beating, a weight lifted off of me and I couldn’t help but cry. I explained why I was so nervous and the tech said the baby had a strong heartbeat.

We are all excited about this new member of our family. I can imagine what people say, we have a lot of kids, but I really don’t care. My husband and I raise them, take care of them and love them with every bit of who we are.  They aren’t perfect, no one is, and we are doing the best we can. I just hope everyone is as happy for us as they say they are, because this is a life to be celebrated, as all of our babies are.

This will be our last baby.  That makes me sad.  But I know my health is more important. If I didn’t have c-sections I’d probably have a dozen. When I had my first baby, I found my place in this world. I can’t imagine being anything else but a mom. Sure I have days where I wish I could do something more and maybe someday I will. But these little (and not so little anymore) people are my world. Which is also why I know we shouldn’t have anymore. As of my 12 week ultrasound my placenta was anterior and at the top. I go to see my OB next week. I am expecting him to book my big ultrasound and we will know for sure by then what my placenta has decided to do. I have had no issues so far at all.  I have been sick for a long time and tired but otherwise everything is going well.  I am waiting to see again if that’s still the case. My biggest fear is that it will get stuck to my placenta and put both me and the baby at risk. But for now I am going to enjoy growing this little person, when it doesn’t exhaust me and make me sick all day. I am going to look forward to the day I get to hold him(no we don’t know it’s a boy but after 4 boys in a row I am expecting it).

I will try to do better and post more on this journey.  Life gets so busy….

baby-locket

So much has changed!

Wow, I didn’t realize I hadn’t written in so very long. Life, you know. Sadness and depression and trying to get past that while still trying to make sure my children are happy. It wasn’t always easy.

Since I haven’t written since Dec of last year we had a big move! We bought my inlaws house and they bought ours. This was the house my father in law built when my husband was 12. It’s older but bigger. Not in as good of shape as I had thought it was, so we have had a lot of struggles we are dealing with and will be for years to come. It’s outside of town but still with neighbors. I don’t like living outside of town. I miss taking the boys for walks for them to ride their bikes. We have a long driveway that they do ride bikes on and our yard is really big. We got them each a power wheels car and they love them. They drive all over the yard. We have a pool, it’s above ground and the decks are all rotting, unfortunately but Justin loves the pool and has friends over a lot to go swimming. It’s been a big change though going from the house where they could go outside any time to not. It’s not fenced but mostly trees and Riley is 9 so I trust him to go out but not the other two because they could easily go out front and end up on the very busy road. So that’s been a big change for us. The girls each have their own room now. They had been sharing since they were 4 and 2. I think that was a bit of an adjustment but maybe it has helped them want to talk more. Having a roommate for almost 13 yrs then suddenly not would definitely be different. But they have their own space now and privacy. The 3 boys are still sharing, Justin has a space in the basement for himself though so he sleeps in with Carter and Riley but it’s technically their room. And Mason has his own room still because he is the world’s worst sleeper.

We have been trying to work on things slowly, painting, replacing old lights etc, there is just so much to do though and I am afraid it will be very expensive and a long time to do them. My husband is more positive about it than me but I spend more time here. And he has more of an emotional attachment to this house. Right now I don’t know that I want to stay here for many years but that could change in time I guess. I definitely don’t have an emotional attachment to this house like I did our little house. We were there 9 years and my babies grew up there. We long outgrew it and I know that. We needed bigger but I miss it. I miss living in town, walking to pick the kids up from school or just around the block. I miss a paved driveway. I know we had to give some to get what we needed, so we will see where this takes us. It’s been 4 months since we moved and I am still not moved it. I still have boxes all over my bedroom and in closets. Who has time for unpacking when you have a house and children with normal life to take care of? I will get there eventually…..

It’s been so long again

Every day I think of coming here to write and every day passes and I don’t.

Life gets so busy with silly mundane things and my thoughts go by with me taking the time to put them somewhere. I even bought a journal. I wrote in it once. I bought one of those books to record grateful moments, wrote in it once. You see the pattern?

But I wanted to put my thoughts here today and will try to more often. Kids will be back at school soon, maybe I will have time.

I have been thinking of my Dad a lot. My Dad passed away May 22, 2012. I keep thinking about him for some reason, someone comments on a picture of him on Facebook or my kids say something to remind me of him. I think of him anyway but today I have been thinking of his final days. Oh how I miss him. How I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss how he teased me and could always make us laugh. He was never too serious. My Dad had cancer. First it was colon cancer. He had part of his colon removed and went through radiation. It was hard and it sucked but he fought it.  He wouldn’t give up. When I would call him and ask how he was, he would always say I’m still here. I would tell him good and it better stay that way. You never imagine it won’t.  The few months before his death I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t call. Family stresses, stupid anxieties of my own. He got liver cancer. He never called me. And that was hurtful and made me upset. But I didn’t call either. And its something I will regret forever.  The week before he died I found out I was pregnant with our 6th baby.  If I had waited till the day I should have tested it would have been the day I found out he was dying. But 2 days after I found out, we told our kids, my husband went to work, then my sister called. She told me our Dad was really bad. This was a huge shock. I thought he was doing ok. I had to ask her, do I need to come? They live in Ohio, I am in Ontario, Canada. She said she would ask my step mom. She called me back and said, you need to come.

You are never prepared for the death of a parent. We went to see my Dad. He had been in the hospital having stints put in his liver to try and help, they wanted to be more aggressive with the chemo but he was too weak. Nothing was working. I got there and went with my sister on a Friday. Just me and her. I will never forget that day. It was one of the worst days but will always be in my heart. It was moments my sister and I will have forever.

My once strong father lay in a hospital bed. He couldn’t move on his own and he was so tired. We spent the day taking care of him. Feeding him lunch, soup and Luigi’s Italian Ice.  His lips were so chapped he complained and I let him use my chapstick, it was strawberry banana and he joked he would eat it as he smacked his lips.  My sister and I struggled to get him comfortable and move him. We watched him sleep.

We each stood by his side as he signed his DNR.  That is probably one of the hardest moments I have ever experienced. Seeing that man who I thought would be there forever say he was ready, that he couldn’t do it anymore, the fight was all gone. We both cried.

That day was his last real day. He wanted to go home to die. They gave him morphine and he went to sleep, they took him in an ambulance back to his house where we would meet him again the next day.

Sunday I had to go home. 3 of my kids were at home and they needed me. My Dad spent most of his day sleeping and would have moments where he would open his eyes and wake up but he was in and out a lot.  I stood by his side that day, trying to say goodbye. I knew these were my last moments with him ever.  I knew the next time I saw him his spirit would be gone.  I sat and rubbed my hand along his arm. I told him how much I loved him. Tears ran down his face and he told me he loved me. Never had I seen my Dad cry. My heart broke when I said goodbye.

We came home.

On Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go pick my kids up from school. Carter was 2 then. He had seen my Dad and talked about him sleeping in the bed at his house while we were there. But he hadn’t mentioned it again. Until that moment, it was about 3:20, he said, “Grandpa’s sleeping.” It caught me off guard. I said, what? He said it again. I texted my sister and told her, she said, “OMG, Joey(her 2 year old) just said someone’s sleeping” Joey had not been at the house to see our Dad like Carter had. I said maybe Dad was telling us he was gone so we were ready. I never thought it was true.

About half an hour later I was home and my phone rang. I knew it was my sister. She told me our Dad had passed away at the exact moments our little boys were telling us he was sleeping. People might not believe us but I know it was him. I know he was preparing me. And I was. I cried but I already knew.

Today is the day.

I have been saying for months now, actually longer, that I am going to get back to exercising and eating better. But something always comes up, its that time of the month, or I am exhausted, there is always an excuse.
When Carter was 1 I did lose weight. About 30 lbs. Then My Dad died and I got pregnant and the weight came back slowly, now I am afraid to even weigh myself because I think I am even higher than that weight.
So, even though I don’t have a popular blog with a ton of followers this is my accountability post.
I will be working at this for awhile. Iknow I can do it.

The days & nights are long, but the years are short.

This is something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately. Maybe it’s the fact I have a daughter going into 10th grade or my other daughter going into 8th. I think having such a big range in kids gives me a completely different perspective on raising my little boys. Just yesterday those little girls were running around in diapers playing barbies. Just yesterday I put their hair up in pigtails and bought them Hello Kitty dresses.  But in reality just yesterday my oldest was still away for the weekend with a friend and her sister complaining I made her go to bed at 10.

And then just today I sit and hold my youngest as he naps because he loves his mama’s arms to sleep and, you know what? It’s OK. Because tomorrow will come too quickly and before I know it he will be ready for 10th grade.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like you’ve had enough of today, remember today may be long but this year will go fast.

Why does weight control me?

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Since I can remember really. Its sad that those are some of my earliest memories. My brothers used to tease me about my weight, along with my two front teeth. It made me feel horrible. I wasn’t obese, just a little chubby. My Dad would yell at them and tell them to stop it because if they didn’t I would start to believe them.

He was right.

Once when I was in the 4th grade a little girl came over to me and said something to her friend, not in a whisper, but loud enough that I could hear. She said “See I told you it looked like she was having a baby.” I wanted to run and hide.

I did have a little belly, nothing major and surely not enough that I looked like I was pregnant. But those words, even all these years later make me tear up. Kids can be cruel.

In high school, I was a good weight, but I had a friend, C we will call her. She was really thin, but not sickly. One day she told me how she made herself throw up when she ate. This was the 9th grade. I didn’t think I could do that, but I started my own bad habits. I would exercise for hours and hours and eat only tiny amounts. I did make myself vomit from time to time. It went on for a few years but I was able to conquer it on my own. I got back to a normal weight, not that I was too skinny but when I look back at pictures of myself I remember my thoughts. I never saw myself for what I was. I saw myself has overweight and awful. I never saw the thin girl that was there. I’d love to be that small again. But I know I wasn’t really healthy. I was lucky I was able to get past that on my own, so many girls aren’t as lucky as me.

After I had my first child I wasn’t terribly overweight. A little pudgy but I wasn’t much above my pre-pregnancy weight. Same with number two. It was after my 3rd that my stomach would never be the same. I had 3 c-section within 4 years and after that 3rd my muscles were ruined.

Depression doesn’t help weight loss either. I have not lived near my family in over 14 years. That is not easy for me. I miss them so much. After that 3rd baby we went 4 years before having another. But I was on antidepressants and I was not really a happy person.

A few years ago when my 5th child was 1 I started losing weight. I lost almost 30 lbs. But then summer came and the kids were home and my routine got hard and I got lazy. Snacking is my biggest obstacle.

I have been trying again, but my ankle makes it hard. It still causes pain and it is a good excuse. I hate the way I look, but more I hate the way I feel.

We have to have family pictures taken this weekend. My husband’s family is celebrating his parents retirement so they are having a big family portrait day. I am dreading it. Yesterday I went shopping to find an outfit. I am really the luckiest woman around because despite the extra 30 lbs I weight my husband couldn’t love me more. He tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him but I think he sees me how I used to be and not how I am today. I don’t know that I see myself right either, I have that image of my teenage self in my mind, the one I thought I was obese when I was one of the smaller ones. I think maybe I do see myself wrong, but then I don’t. I see the size on my clothes. I see the pictures when I actually am not behind the camera. I can be the one that’s wrong.

Being sleep deprived does nothing for my motivation to work out. Drinking coke doesn’t help. I think its probably one of my biggest challenges. But I don’t drink coffee and when you have a difficult baby like mine that likes to fight you all night long, that little bit of sugar and caffeine helps get you through the day.

So today hasn’t been a total failure. Only 1 coke so far. I can do this. Not just for me, but for my kids. Because I need to do this.

My kids have OCD

I am not the kind of person that likes to watch the same thing over and over. My husband can do it. My kids do it all the time. I know most kids do. They like to watch over and over. But there is something that it gets excessive. My children do this. They find a tv show they like and they watch episode after episode over and over. We are now watching Rescue Bots on Netflix for the second time, it has 26 episodes I think. I tell you they would watch it all day long if I let them. Some shows I don’t mind. Rescue Bots though gets to be a bit much.   I don’t remember when that show even originally aired. I watched Transformers as a kid. I had a brother.  But the far out there missions of the Rescue Bots just have me shaking my head. But these boys seem to love it. They have loved Transformers forever.

I know its just a phase, they have done it with many shows where they ask to watch it every day for a month then out of no where they stop. I hope the phase Rescue Bots ends soon or I might lose my mind…..

It’s been awhile again

It’s funny how life gets away from you and then you realize how nothing seems to have gotten done.

I feel like that a lot. I look back over my day and think “What did I do today?” Well, I did take care of 6 children so that’s a start! But I look around the house and it doesn’t look like anything has been done. Yes I made meals, I may or may not have bathed children 😉 I brushed teeth, drove to and from school, fed the baby, held the baby, put the baby to sleep. Showed the 4 year old how to color or sound out a word, listened to the 6 year old read at bedtime(and let me tell you I will never tired of listening to those sweet little words!), forced older kids to shower or empty the dishwasher, listened to the teenage daughter tell me all about so and so and who did what at school or cheerleading, washed cloth diapers, tried to wash laundry, put the clean laundry in the basket and never get it folded, load the dishwasher, make sure the cat isn’t starving, trip over a few toys, stumble into my bed and wake up the baby. I have to remind myself that what I do daily may not look like much but when I think about it, it’s huge. I am growing a family, I am teaching these little(and not so little) people how to grow into good responsible adults. And that is the biggest accomplishment of all.

My baby is one!

I have been trying to find the time to write this for a few days now but last week I fell down the stairs(this was actually the second time in less than a week). I sprained my foot and ankle pretty badly. I was convinced it was broken. I couldn’t stop crying. I was going downstairs and my ankle twisted and rolled under me. Luckily I was only a couple from the bottom but the pain was excruciating. I would rank it up there close to a kidney stone and c-sections! But I had to walk on it. I was getting the little boys ready for gymnastics. Carter is having some issues adjusting so I was not missing it. Tyleigh went with me to help me and every step I wanted to crumble in a ball. I felt like my foot and ankle were going to crack apart. After I finally hobbled in and out we headed home. My husband wasn’t home yet and finally got home around 9 and took me to the ER. It wasn’t broken, but a severe sprain, ordered me crutches. CRUTCHES I tell you. A mom of an almost 1 yr old who is not yet walking unassisted. I was worried.

Pretty much I sat and did nothing all weekend. Unfortunately that’s what everyone else did too. So the house kind of fell apart. My poor husband is not made for this, he ordered pizza for lunch and ate what we could, he grilled a bit. By Monday he was supposed to go back to work. But my helpers were all leaving me. Tyleigh had been amazing! She ran anytime I asked her to get Mason for me, if I said ow, she would ask are you ok? Every single time. That’s my little mama.  So hubby asked his work to reschedule his delivery and they did. The good thing about that was he was able to be home for Mason’t allergist appointment(more on that later) on Tuesday morning. His sister had been planning on coming with me but she came over and watched Carter for me instead, and, the best part of all, she cleaned my house. I came home and it was so nice to have the dishes caught up, the floors picked up. I couldn’t help but get weepy.

So Mike went back to work after school that day and then Wednesday was hard. I didn’t use my crutches, yes bad patient. For some reason I had it in my mind I would defy the doctors 2-6 weeks of healing and be better in a matter of days. I was wrong. I was then in a lot of pain too.

So Thursday was my baby’s first birthday and here I could barely stand. I baked him cupcakes. We were supposed to have a little party for him this weekend but because of my accident I had to postpone it till next weekend. He still completely enjoyed those cupcakes. I have never seen him shove so much food in his mouth! It was adorable. He loved his presents and it was a good day.

So this turned into more about my foot than Mason’s birthday. But I have been thinking so much about his birth the past few days. How lucky I am and how special it was. I will write up another post about that though.

My ankle is feeling better. I have moments of severe pain and am able to go crutch free mostly. But it gets tired and if I turn the wrong way or put pressure on the wrong spot it sends shooting pains through it all. Its my left foot but driving it irritating it because of the angle it sits I think. I hope it gets better soon. I have 2 parties to do! Carter will be 4 soon!