This time last year

Last year this was one of my hardest times of my life.  September 3, I started the day excited. I was having my first ultrasound. We thought I was about 9 weeks pregnant but weren’t sure on dates so my doctor had me going to an ultrasound. I was finally going to find out my due date and see the little person growing inside of me.

I drove there with Tyleigh and Mason, because Mason was too difficult to leave home. He wasn’t much better in the waiting room, screaming the entire time.

When I went back to get my ultrasound I was so excited, a little nervous because I hadn’t been feeling sick much but didn’t actually think anything serious was wrong. When the tech looked I knew something was wrong. I watched the screen and just knew.

The sac was empty. There was no baby growing where a baby should be. He tried an internal ultrasound hoping that the baby was just in a different angle. But still nothing.  He said it was a blighted ovum. I had heard the word before but I had no idea what it meant.  I sat there crying, all alone. And then had to go out into the waiting room where my kids were and wait, in a room full of pregnant women, for the tech to get my dr on the phone to find out what they wanted me to do.  Waiting for what seemed like forever, holding back my tears, not wanting to say a word to Tyleigh because I knew I would break down crying.

When we left I tried to tell her and just cried. My doctor wanted to see me so I had to then drive there. And called my husband to tell him. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never expected this to happen. We lost our first baby in Feb 1998, so many years ago. I had 6 healthy pregnancies since then. Who would think I would lose another?

The following months were even worse though. I bled for months. I had to tell my family doctor I thought I had retained tissues. He dismissed it but agreed to let me get an ultrasound. I was right.  For months I was emotionally a mess. My body wouldn’t let go of the remaining tissues and kept coming back with positive pregnancy tests. I felt completely alone.  I would talk to my husband sometimes, but after months I worried he was tired of hearing me go on and cry about it. He never said that of course, and always told me to tell him how I felt.  It’s something no one could understand. Not only did a have a miscarriage but it wouldn’t end.  I cried myself to sleep every night. I started worrying something was wrong with me, more than just the retained tissues, never google when you are going through this. I feared I would never have another baby.  Near the end of November I saw my OB. We were going on vacation for two weeks to Florida and I was so afraid of it being a mistake, of something bad happening while I was away.  He said he thought things were ending, my hcg numbers were dropping, so slowly, but they were dropping. He wanted me to wait and see if it ended on it’s own. And told me to go enjoy my vacation. That was good to hear because I didn’t want the risk of a d&c anyway.  Any trauma to my uterus could cause me to not have a successful following pregnancy.  We went to Florida and of course I started bleeding again.  Much heavier towards the end of our trip.  I kept testing and kept getting positives.  Finally on my birthday, Dec 14, I got a negative test. I had never in my life been so happy to get a negative!

I think though, that at that point was when the sadness really came. I should’ve been almost ready to have a baby and I wasn’t. April came and my heart was broken. It took a long time to feel like I was healing, finally when May hit I was starting to feel like me again. Although I had ruined all my weightloss from the summer before and gained a lot of weight, I was finally able to not cry every time I thought of that time.  I think the hardest part was that the baby never formed and was never there and to me, there was a baby. To my heart there was a little person growing there, so knowing there wasn’t was the worst part for me. We’d been making plans and talking about names before we found out. We were honestly excited about this new little person. So hearing that there was no little person ever there was the hardest moments of all.  I was told so many times, it doesn’t matter that the baby never formed, that to me it was there and it was ok to grieve that loss.  I did have some wonderful online friends that helped me through it. But in real life I had to go through the motions of being ok and not breaking down in tears every time I talked to someone. I pretended I was fine and took care of my kids and no one knew otherwise. It was a very sad time for me.  It’s not something that is easy to get over. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought that was hard. And it was. But it didn’t compare to my pain this time. Maybe that’s because I knew what I’d lost, after having babies. Maybe it’s because I am older and worried about the idea of never having another. I can’t say.

Near the end of June, right before Father’s Day actually, we got a surprise. We had talked on an off about the idea of having another. The worry of what if we had complications weighed heavily on both of us. Whether we should even try to have another baby. At the time I got a positive, I wasn’t actually expecting it.  I’d had very strange cycles and never even noticed when I ovulated.  I can usually tell very obviously.  So I was surprised and so excited.  I normally tell my husband immediately. But since Father’s day was 2 days away I waited. The wait was killing me.  But it was the perfect day to tell him he was going to be a daddy once again.

I am now 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where I live you don’t typically see an OB until much later in your pregnancy so I have been seeing my family doctor. He hasn’t been very good about things. Normally you’d get an early ultrasound after a loss to make sure things were fine but I had to wait until 12 weeks. I was so scared and worried. That day I felt like I was going to throw up, and not because of morning sickness. When I saw my little baby moving and it’s heart beating, a weight lifted off of me and I couldn’t help but cry. I explained why I was so nervous and the tech said the baby had a strong heartbeat.

We are all excited about this new member of our family. I can imagine what people say, we have a lot of kids, but I really don’t care. My husband and I raise them, take care of them and love them with every bit of who we are.  They aren’t perfect, no one is, and we are doing the best we can. I just hope everyone is as happy for us as they say they are, because this is a life to be celebrated, as all of our babies are.

This will be our last baby.  That makes me sad.  But I know my health is more important. If I didn’t have c-sections I’d probably have a dozen. When I had my first baby, I found my place in this world. I can’t imagine being anything else but a mom. Sure I have days where I wish I could do something more and maybe someday I will. But these little (and not so little anymore) people are my world. Which is also why I know we shouldn’t have anymore. As of my 12 week ultrasound my placenta was anterior and at the top. I go to see my OB next week. I am expecting him to book my big ultrasound and we will know for sure by then what my placenta has decided to do. I have had no issues so far at all.  I have been sick for a long time and tired but otherwise everything is going well.  I am waiting to see again if that’s still the case. My biggest fear is that it will get stuck to my placenta and put both me and the baby at risk. But for now I am going to enjoy growing this little person, when it doesn’t exhaust me and make me sick all day. I am going to look forward to the day I get to hold him(no we don’t know it’s a boy but after 4 boys in a row I am expecting it).

I will try to do better and post more on this journey.  Life gets so busy….

baby-locket

So much has changed!

Wow, I didn’t realize I hadn’t written in so very long. Life, you know. Sadness and depression and trying to get past that while still trying to make sure my children are happy. It wasn’t always easy.

Since I haven’t written since Dec of last year we had a big move! We bought my inlaws house and they bought ours. This was the house my father in law built when my husband was 12. It’s older but bigger. Not in as good of shape as I had thought it was, so we have had a lot of struggles we are dealing with and will be for years to come. It’s outside of town but still with neighbors. I don’t like living outside of town. I miss taking the boys for walks for them to ride their bikes. We have a long driveway that they do ride bikes on and our yard is really big. We got them each a power wheels car and they love them. They drive all over the yard. We have a pool, it’s above ground and the decks are all rotting, unfortunately but Justin loves the pool and has friends over a lot to go swimming. It’s been a big change though going from the house where they could go outside any time to not. It’s not fenced but mostly trees and Riley is 9 so I trust him to go out but not the other two because they could easily go out front and end up on the very busy road. So that’s been a big change for us. The girls each have their own room now. They had been sharing since they were 4 and 2. I think that was a bit of an adjustment but maybe it has helped them want to talk more. Having a roommate for almost 13 yrs then suddenly not would definitely be different. But they have their own space now and privacy. The 3 boys are still sharing, Justin has a space in the basement for himself though so he sleeps in with Carter and Riley but it’s technically their room. And Mason has his own room still because he is the world’s worst sleeper.

We have been trying to work on things slowly, painting, replacing old lights etc, there is just so much to do though and I am afraid it will be very expensive and a long time to do them. My husband is more positive about it than me but I spend more time here. And he has more of an emotional attachment to this house. Right now I don’t know that I want to stay here for many years but that could change in time I guess. I definitely don’t have an emotional attachment to this house like I did our little house. We were there 9 years and my babies grew up there. We long outgrew it and I know that. We needed bigger but I miss it. I miss living in town, walking to pick the kids up from school or just around the block. I miss a paved driveway. I know we had to give some to get what we needed, so we will see where this takes us. It’s been 4 months since we moved and I am still not moved it. I still have boxes all over my bedroom and in closets. Who has time for unpacking when you have a house and children with normal life to take care of? I will get there eventually…..

Fingers crossed…

I don’t want to say it too soon, but I think my miscarriage is finally over!

Today I have had tiny spots, only tiny, almost nothing! Almost 4 months it’s been, 4 months of seeing things come out that you should never have to see. The worry, the anxiety, the sadness, well the sadness is still not gone but I can start to feel better and not bleed for weeks at a time. It was 3 1/2 weeks this time. In 4 months time I have had about 4 weeks of not bleeding. I think my body might finally have gotten rid of it all. It’s a sense of relief but complete sadness too. Something I was so happy for, something that was supposed to be over half way there, has finally ended.

And not knowing where we go from here, whether to try again or end it here. I know what my heart wants….

The miscarriage from hell.

I never imagined something could last so long and be so completely painful emotionally.

It has been almost 4 months since I had that awful ultrasound telling me I had a blighted ovum. I thought at that time that by January we would be able to start thinking of trying again. How wrong I was.

The roller coaster my body has had me on the past 4 months has been cruel and lonely. I have only ever gone through the one other loss and that was 17 years ago, it was nothing like this. I also went on birth control right away and my cycle went back to normal quickly. I got pregnant soon after without planning it. This time has been a blur of emotions and fears.

All of Sept I bled. The first 2 weeks very heavily, the last 2 was spotting. I stopped bleeding the beginning of Oct. 28 days later I started spotting again. I thought yay! My period is coming back. I was so wrong. For the next month I was spotting constantly. My family dr sent me to get an ultrasound. I was concerned I had retained tissues because my HCG beta wasn’t dropping very well. He thought I was just getting back to normal and my body was trying to have a period. He was wrong.

They discovered I did have retained tissues. I was going on vacation in a week, to Florida from Canada, for 2 weeks, so I needed something decided. My gynecologist saw me and did a couple of ultrasounds.  I was spotting on and off. My numbers were dropping, slowly but finally dropping.  the result of his ultrasound looked good, but he didn’t do an internal. I went away on vacation with no spotting and feeling like things were finally on its way to being over.

After I was in Florida for less than a week the spotting started again. I thought it must just be the beginning of the end. By the end of the second week I was passing tissues and bleeding heavily. I was hoping it was a period.

On Dec. 14, my 39th birthday, I got my first negative pregnancy test since July. I was so happy. I thought this must be it, it’s almost over!

Since then the spotting is still there and sometimes pretty heavy, I am also passing tissues.  It actually seems like I have experienced a second miscarriage. Not in the sense that I got pregnant and lost another but that it never finished so I am going through it all again.

I feel so lost and alone. I have no one that I talk to about it, except my poor husband. The tissue had gotten stuck to the inside of my c-section scar, which is also why the dr didn’t see anything when he did the ultrasound before our trip.

My plan now is to wait through this week because I am losing tissue and the bleeding is darker, I am hoping its the last of it and will be done by Monday. And if it isn’t then Monday I call my dr again and ask for another ultrasound to see if there is something left.

I never imagined it could go on this long. I know, normally women have a d & c, I don’t want that. I have had 6 c-sections, 6 times having trauma to my uterus. If I have another procedure, the d&c, that is one more procedure and it scares me that it would be one more thing why I shouldn’t have one last baby. We haven’t decided to go ahead with another baby right now anyway just because of the worries that this did get stuck and I don’t want to end up with placenta accreta. My dr talked to me about it and did make me feel better about it if that did happen with a future pregnancy. I know we can’t know the future. Right now I just want to get through now, to get past this, to feel normal and back to myself. I keep telling myself that it’s almost over, and I keep thinking that, but it just doesn’t feel like it…..

Why do we blame ourselves?

I know I’m not the only one. I hear it from other moms too. I see the posts on Facebook how moms feel guilty. Guilty for getting a shower, guilty for getting a babysitter, guilty for going to work, or guilty you stay home and not every moment is focused on your children.

I am so guilty of blaming myself. My husband calls it misplaced guilt. I did it today.

Today I took my 2 1/2 year old to a pediatric dentist. Over the weekend he broke one of his front teeth while my daughter was watching, there’s guilty feelings all over that one. I got him in and was just wanting to have them look at his tooth but this was a new dentist so they thought they would do an entire first visit. Ok, fine with me. They wanted an xray of the tooth to make sure there was no damage. I hate xrays. But I let them because I was worried there may be damage.

It was worse than I had imagined.

Not the broken tooth, but the others. He has 6 cavities. SIX CAVITIES. It was like someone punched me in the stomach. Yes he breastfeeds, and he does so to fall asleep. Yes he was 5 months old when he started getting teeth. Yes he is absolutely awful to brush his teeth, until recently. And yes he has an upper lip tie. But he will only be 3 in January. How can it be possible? As hard as I work, as hard as I try. And I still failed. This makes child #4 of 6 that have had to have work done.  I know one dentist told us that some people are predispositioned for cavities and that bacteria can actually be genetic. My husband has bad teeth so we always assumed it was that, but it’s the bacteria that’s the issue, and apparently nursing isn’t helping much but we won’t change it now. Mason drinks pretty much nothing else but water and maybe once a week some apple or orange juice.

So we are set up to have to go to a hospital because our health insurance doesn’t cover the anesthesia in the office, but we will sit and wait probably 4-5 months at the least. I am praying that these cavities don’t get worse and he needs more work. But we just can’t pay the extra $1000 to cover the difference. If we do it in a hospital then we can have OHIP cover the anesthesia but they won’t in an office. He also won’t be able to get his lip tie revised because they only do it in the office with laser. The only positive is the dentist said it wasn’t a severe lip tie so maybe that hasn’t caused his speech delay. But we can’t be sure either way.

I called my husband afterwards. He made a comment about why have 4 out of 6 of our children needed dental surgery. I took it as what am I doing wrong that four of our children have had to have dental surgery. I know that’s not what he meant. But that’s how I heard it. And that’s how I often hear things. Because I am never sure I am not failing. I always feel like I am doing something wrong. My house is a mess, or its something easy for dinner. The boys haven’t had a bath in a week or I spent too much time on the computer.  I didn’t play with them enough today or remember to brush their hair. I know we all do it.

I try to remind myself I am only one person and I am doing the best job I can. I hope when my children are grown they will have good memories of me and how I raised them. The little boys tell me I am the best mom ever. And I know they truly believe that. Ask my teenage daughters how they feel though.

I guess all we can do is the best we know how. We will all make mistakes and feel like we failed. I am trying so hard to push those feelings out and remember everything is not my fault. But that’s something I have struggled with since I can remember, it’s hard to let it go.

Today is the day.

I have been saying for months now, actually longer, that I am going to get back to exercising and eating better. But something always comes up, its that time of the month, or I am exhausted, there is always an excuse.
When Carter was 1 I did lose weight. About 30 lbs. Then My Dad died and I got pregnant and the weight came back slowly, now I am afraid to even weigh myself because I think I am even higher than that weight.
So, even though I don’t have a popular blog with a ton of followers this is my accountability post.
I will be working at this for awhile. Iknow I can do it.

The days & nights are long, but the years are short.

This is something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately. Maybe it’s the fact I have a daughter going into 10th grade or my other daughter going into 8th. I think having such a big range in kids gives me a completely different perspective on raising my little boys. Just yesterday those little girls were running around in diapers playing barbies. Just yesterday I put their hair up in pigtails and bought them Hello Kitty dresses.  But in reality just yesterday my oldest was still away for the weekend with a friend and her sister complaining I made her go to bed at 10.

And then just today I sit and hold my youngest as he naps because he loves his mama’s arms to sleep and, you know what? It’s OK. Because tomorrow will come too quickly and before I know it he will be ready for 10th grade.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like you’ve had enough of today, remember today may be long but this year will go fast.

Why does weight control me?

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Since I can remember really. Its sad that those are some of my earliest memories. My brothers used to tease me about my weight, along with my two front teeth. It made me feel horrible. I wasn’t obese, just a little chubby. My Dad would yell at them and tell them to stop it because if they didn’t I would start to believe them.

He was right.

Once when I was in the 4th grade a little girl came over to me and said something to her friend, not in a whisper, but loud enough that I could hear. She said “See I told you it looked like she was having a baby.” I wanted to run and hide.

I did have a little belly, nothing major and surely not enough that I looked like I was pregnant. But those words, even all these years later make me tear up. Kids can be cruel.

In high school, I was a good weight, but I had a friend, C we will call her. She was really thin, but not sickly. One day she told me how she made herself throw up when she ate. This was the 9th grade. I didn’t think I could do that, but I started my own bad habits. I would exercise for hours and hours and eat only tiny amounts. I did make myself vomit from time to time. It went on for a few years but I was able to conquer it on my own. I got back to a normal weight, not that I was too skinny but when I look back at pictures of myself I remember my thoughts. I never saw myself for what I was. I saw myself has overweight and awful. I never saw the thin girl that was there. I’d love to be that small again. But I know I wasn’t really healthy. I was lucky I was able to get past that on my own, so many girls aren’t as lucky as me.

After I had my first child I wasn’t terribly overweight. A little pudgy but I wasn’t much above my pre-pregnancy weight. Same with number two. It was after my 3rd that my stomach would never be the same. I had 3 c-section within 4 years and after that 3rd my muscles were ruined.

Depression doesn’t help weight loss either. I have not lived near my family in over 14 years. That is not easy for me. I miss them so much. After that 3rd baby we went 4 years before having another. But I was on antidepressants and I was not really a happy person.

A few years ago when my 5th child was 1 I started losing weight. I lost almost 30 lbs. But then summer came and the kids were home and my routine got hard and I got lazy. Snacking is my biggest obstacle.

I have been trying again, but my ankle makes it hard. It still causes pain and it is a good excuse. I hate the way I look, but more I hate the way I feel.

We have to have family pictures taken this weekend. My husband’s family is celebrating his parents retirement so they are having a big family portrait day. I am dreading it. Yesterday I went shopping to find an outfit. I am really the luckiest woman around because despite the extra 30 lbs I weight my husband couldn’t love me more. He tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him but I think he sees me how I used to be and not how I am today. I don’t know that I see myself right either, I have that image of my teenage self in my mind, the one I thought I was obese when I was one of the smaller ones. I think maybe I do see myself wrong, but then I don’t. I see the size on my clothes. I see the pictures when I actually am not behind the camera. I can be the one that’s wrong.

Being sleep deprived does nothing for my motivation to work out. Drinking coke doesn’t help. I think its probably one of my biggest challenges. But I don’t drink coffee and when you have a difficult baby like mine that likes to fight you all night long, that little bit of sugar and caffeine helps get you through the day.

So today hasn’t been a total failure. Only 1 coke so far. I can do this. Not just for me, but for my kids. Because I need to do this.

My children have hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Can you believe 15 years of being a mom and I have never dealt with this?

Last week the baby was throwing up and had diarrhea. I couldn’t figure out what he had. Last week my 11 year old came home crying from school because he felt so bad. His throat and just all over. This weekend I looked at his throat, nasty little spots. He also had a rash on his feet. The thought crossed my mind but then it went away. Then my 13 year old got what we thought was acne. But then she has some blister looking things on her hands and feet. She has some warts too and thought that was more. Last night I noticed the baby has some spots on his butt and he got a fever. Then tonight I noticed that my 4 year old has some identical spots on his face.

It all started clicking. I am not even sure where this will go. I guess they have to stay home from school. Two out of six, let’s hope that’s all….