This time last year

Last year this was one of my hardest times of my life.  September 3, I started the day excited. I was having my first ultrasound. We thought I was about 9 weeks pregnant but weren’t sure on dates so my doctor had me going to an ultrasound. I was finally going to find out my due date and see the little person growing inside of me.

I drove there with Tyleigh and Mason, because Mason was too difficult to leave home. He wasn’t much better in the waiting room, screaming the entire time.

When I went back to get my ultrasound I was so excited, a little nervous because I hadn’t been feeling sick much but didn’t actually think anything serious was wrong. When the tech looked I knew something was wrong. I watched the screen and just knew.

The sac was empty. There was no baby growing where a baby should be. He tried an internal ultrasound hoping that the baby was just in a different angle. But still nothing.  He said it was a blighted ovum. I had heard the word before but I had no idea what it meant.  I sat there crying, all alone. And then had to go out into the waiting room where my kids were and wait, in a room full of pregnant women, for the tech to get my dr on the phone to find out what they wanted me to do.  Waiting for what seemed like forever, holding back my tears, not wanting to say a word to Tyleigh because I knew I would break down crying.

When we left I tried to tell her and just cried. My doctor wanted to see me so I had to then drive there. And called my husband to tell him. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never expected this to happen. We lost our first baby in Feb 1998, so many years ago. I had 6 healthy pregnancies since then. Who would think I would lose another?

The following months were even worse though. I bled for months. I had to tell my family doctor I thought I had retained tissues. He dismissed it but agreed to let me get an ultrasound. I was right.  For months I was emotionally a mess. My body wouldn’t let go of the remaining tissues and kept coming back with positive pregnancy tests. I felt completely alone.  I would talk to my husband sometimes, but after months I worried he was tired of hearing me go on and cry about it. He never said that of course, and always told me to tell him how I felt.  It’s something no one could understand. Not only did a have a miscarriage but it wouldn’t end.  I cried myself to sleep every night. I started worrying something was wrong with me, more than just the retained tissues, never google when you are going through this. I feared I would never have another baby.  Near the end of November I saw my OB. We were going on vacation for two weeks to Florida and I was so afraid of it being a mistake, of something bad happening while I was away.  He said he thought things were ending, my hcg numbers were dropping, so slowly, but they were dropping. He wanted me to wait and see if it ended on it’s own. And told me to go enjoy my vacation. That was good to hear because I didn’t want the risk of a d&c anyway.  Any trauma to my uterus could cause me to not have a successful following pregnancy.  We went to Florida and of course I started bleeding again.  Much heavier towards the end of our trip.  I kept testing and kept getting positives.  Finally on my birthday, Dec 14, I got a negative test. I had never in my life been so happy to get a negative!

I think though, that at that point was when the sadness really came. I should’ve been almost ready to have a baby and I wasn’t. April came and my heart was broken. It took a long time to feel like I was healing, finally when May hit I was starting to feel like me again. Although I had ruined all my weightloss from the summer before and gained a lot of weight, I was finally able to not cry every time I thought of that time.  I think the hardest part was that the baby never formed and was never there and to me, there was a baby. To my heart there was a little person growing there, so knowing there wasn’t was the worst part for me. We’d been making plans and talking about names before we found out. We were honestly excited about this new little person. So hearing that there was no little person ever there was the hardest moments of all.  I was told so many times, it doesn’t matter that the baby never formed, that to me it was there and it was ok to grieve that loss.  I did have some wonderful online friends that helped me through it. But in real life I had to go through the motions of being ok and not breaking down in tears every time I talked to someone. I pretended I was fine and took care of my kids and no one knew otherwise. It was a very sad time for me.  It’s not something that is easy to get over. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought that was hard. And it was. But it didn’t compare to my pain this time. Maybe that’s because I knew what I’d lost, after having babies. Maybe it’s because I am older and worried about the idea of never having another. I can’t say.

Near the end of June, right before Father’s Day actually, we got a surprise. We had talked on an off about the idea of having another. The worry of what if we had complications weighed heavily on both of us. Whether we should even try to have another baby. At the time I got a positive, I wasn’t actually expecting it.  I’d had very strange cycles and never even noticed when I ovulated.  I can usually tell very obviously.  So I was surprised and so excited.  I normally tell my husband immediately. But since Father’s day was 2 days away I waited. The wait was killing me.  But it was the perfect day to tell him he was going to be a daddy once again.

I am now 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where I live you don’t typically see an OB until much later in your pregnancy so I have been seeing my family doctor. He hasn’t been very good about things. Normally you’d get an early ultrasound after a loss to make sure things were fine but I had to wait until 12 weeks. I was so scared and worried. That day I felt like I was going to throw up, and not because of morning sickness. When I saw my little baby moving and it’s heart beating, a weight lifted off of me and I couldn’t help but cry. I explained why I was so nervous and the tech said the baby had a strong heartbeat.

We are all excited about this new member of our family. I can imagine what people say, we have a lot of kids, but I really don’t care. My husband and I raise them, take care of them and love them with every bit of who we are.  They aren’t perfect, no one is, and we are doing the best we can. I just hope everyone is as happy for us as they say they are, because this is a life to be celebrated, as all of our babies are.

This will be our last baby.  That makes me sad.  But I know my health is more important. If I didn’t have c-sections I’d probably have a dozen. When I had my first baby, I found my place in this world. I can’t imagine being anything else but a mom. Sure I have days where I wish I could do something more and maybe someday I will. But these little (and not so little anymore) people are my world. Which is also why I know we shouldn’t have anymore. As of my 12 week ultrasound my placenta was anterior and at the top. I go to see my OB next week. I am expecting him to book my big ultrasound and we will know for sure by then what my placenta has decided to do. I have had no issues so far at all.  I have been sick for a long time and tired but otherwise everything is going well.  I am waiting to see again if that’s still the case. My biggest fear is that it will get stuck to my placenta and put both me and the baby at risk. But for now I am going to enjoy growing this little person, when it doesn’t exhaust me and make me sick all day. I am going to look forward to the day I get to hold him(no we don’t know it’s a boy but after 4 boys in a row I am expecting it).

I will try to do better and post more on this journey.  Life gets so busy….

baby-locket

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The days & nights are long, but the years are short.

This is something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately. Maybe it’s the fact I have a daughter going into 10th grade or my other daughter going into 8th. I think having such a big range in kids gives me a completely different perspective on raising my little boys. Just yesterday those little girls were running around in diapers playing barbies. Just yesterday I put their hair up in pigtails and bought them Hello Kitty dresses.  But in reality just yesterday my oldest was still away for the weekend with a friend and her sister complaining I made her go to bed at 10.

And then just today I sit and hold my youngest as he naps because he loves his mama’s arms to sleep and, you know what? It’s OK. Because tomorrow will come too quickly and before I know it he will be ready for 10th grade.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed and like you’ve had enough of today, remember today may be long but this year will go fast.

My children have hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Can you believe 15 years of being a mom and I have never dealt with this?

Last week the baby was throwing up and had diarrhea. I couldn’t figure out what he had. Last week my 11 year old came home crying from school because he felt so bad. His throat and just all over. This weekend I looked at his throat, nasty little spots. He also had a rash on his feet. The thought crossed my mind but then it went away. Then my 13 year old got what we thought was acne. But then she has some blister looking things on her hands and feet. She has some warts too and thought that was more. Last night I noticed the baby has some spots on his butt and he got a fever. Then tonight I noticed that my 4 year old has some identical spots on his face.

It all started clicking. I am not even sure where this will go. I guess they have to stay home from school. Two out of six, let’s hope that’s all….

My kids have OCD

I am not the kind of person that likes to watch the same thing over and over. My husband can do it. My kids do it all the time. I know most kids do. They like to watch over and over. But there is something that it gets excessive. My children do this. They find a tv show they like and they watch episode after episode over and over. We are now watching Rescue Bots on Netflix for the second time, it has 26 episodes I think. I tell you they would watch it all day long if I let them. Some shows I don’t mind. Rescue Bots though gets to be a bit much.   I don’t remember when that show even originally aired. I watched Transformers as a kid. I had a brother.  But the far out there missions of the Rescue Bots just have me shaking my head. But these boys seem to love it. They have loved Transformers forever.

I know its just a phase, they have done it with many shows where they ask to watch it every day for a month then out of no where they stop. I hope the phase Rescue Bots ends soon or I might lose my mind…..

It’s been awhile again

I keep saying I won’t let it go and then I think of writing but am feeding the baby and only have my phone. And while, yes I can post from my phone, it is a pain and I hate typing on there. My phone has this insane autocorrect that likes to correct my words that I actually typed properly and turn them into crazy talk. I am sure most of the people on Facebook think I am a lunatic.

I think my last post was months ago. So much has happened in that time. The beginning half of the year is our busy time. All of my kids birthdays in a row. It is murder on the finances. But I now officially have 2 teenager girls( 13 & 15)and my boys are 1,4,7 and 11. Life seems to go so fast. School will be ending soon and then the summer will fly by. Some days I can’t wait until bedtime and others I don’t want it to ever get here. Sports are almost all done. My girls both were in cheerleading and the boys hockey until March and gymnastics now(11 year old is in spring hockey and summer hockey in July). This is the first year we will have done hockey pretty much all year. I hope to put the girls in tumbling but who knows and the little boys I had wanted something but Riley(7) is not really a team sport kinda kid. He played soccer for 3 summers and for 3 summers I watched him run around that field while I sweated and dealt with miserable kids on the sidelines. I can do that at home for free. So maybe next year will try it for Carter or baseball, or maybe nothing at all again. When you have 6 kids it gets very hard to put them all in a sport and drive them everywhere. But I want them to have something. I never played a sport after my parents got divorced and I wished I had. My kids have tried a variety of different things and the 3 oldest know what that sport is that they want to stick with. We are still learning with the others. 

I have been busy. I started selling another direct sales company(I know I know). I started with South Hill Designs in March and am so happy I did. I still do Jamberry but South Hill is so new in my area while Jamberry consultants are around every corner. I am enjoying doing both. I could never do more than two though. I feel like I barely have time to get the things I need with these two and take care of the house and kids!

Maybe I will share some more about that later. I should do to bed. I never say what I intended on saying here. I ramble on and change the subject multiple times. Maybe that’s sleep deprived mommy brain?

It’s been awhile again

It’s funny how life gets away from you and then you realize how nothing seems to have gotten done.

I feel like that a lot. I look back over my day and think “What did I do today?” Well, I did take care of 6 children so that’s a start! But I look around the house and it doesn’t look like anything has been done. Yes I made meals, I may or may not have bathed children 😉 I brushed teeth, drove to and from school, fed the baby, held the baby, put the baby to sleep. Showed the 4 year old how to color or sound out a word, listened to the 6 year old read at bedtime(and let me tell you I will never tired of listening to those sweet little words!), forced older kids to shower or empty the dishwasher, listened to the teenage daughter tell me all about so and so and who did what at school or cheerleading, washed cloth diapers, tried to wash laundry, put the clean laundry in the basket and never get it folded, load the dishwasher, make sure the cat isn’t starving, trip over a few toys, stumble into my bed and wake up the baby. I have to remind myself that what I do daily may not look like much but when I think about it, it’s huge. I am growing a family, I am teaching these little(and not so little) people how to grow into good responsible adults. And that is the biggest accomplishment of all.

My baby is one!

I have been trying to find the time to write this for a few days now but last week I fell down the stairs(this was actually the second time in less than a week). I sprained my foot and ankle pretty badly. I was convinced it was broken. I couldn’t stop crying. I was going downstairs and my ankle twisted and rolled under me. Luckily I was only a couple from the bottom but the pain was excruciating. I would rank it up there close to a kidney stone and c-sections! But I had to walk on it. I was getting the little boys ready for gymnastics. Carter is having some issues adjusting so I was not missing it. Tyleigh went with me to help me and every step I wanted to crumble in a ball. I felt like my foot and ankle were going to crack apart. After I finally hobbled in and out we headed home. My husband wasn’t home yet and finally got home around 9 and took me to the ER. It wasn’t broken, but a severe sprain, ordered me crutches. CRUTCHES I tell you. A mom of an almost 1 yr old who is not yet walking unassisted. I was worried.

Pretty much I sat and did nothing all weekend. Unfortunately that’s what everyone else did too. So the house kind of fell apart. My poor husband is not made for this, he ordered pizza for lunch and ate what we could, he grilled a bit. By Monday he was supposed to go back to work. But my helpers were all leaving me. Tyleigh had been amazing! She ran anytime I asked her to get Mason for me, if I said ow, she would ask are you ok? Every single time. That’s my little mama.  So hubby asked his work to reschedule his delivery and they did. The good thing about that was he was able to be home for Mason’t allergist appointment(more on that later) on Tuesday morning. His sister had been planning on coming with me but she came over and watched Carter for me instead, and, the best part of all, she cleaned my house. I came home and it was so nice to have the dishes caught up, the floors picked up. I couldn’t help but get weepy.

So Mike went back to work after school that day and then Wednesday was hard. I didn’t use my crutches, yes bad patient. For some reason I had it in my mind I would defy the doctors 2-6 weeks of healing and be better in a matter of days. I was wrong. I was then in a lot of pain too.

So Thursday was my baby’s first birthday and here I could barely stand. I baked him cupcakes. We were supposed to have a little party for him this weekend but because of my accident I had to postpone it till next weekend. He still completely enjoyed those cupcakes. I have never seen him shove so much food in his mouth! It was adorable. He loved his presents and it was a good day.

So this turned into more about my foot than Mason’s birthday. But I have been thinking so much about his birth the past few days. How lucky I am and how special it was. I will write up another post about that though.

My ankle is feeling better. I have moments of severe pain and am able to go crutch free mostly. But it gets tired and if I turn the wrong way or put pressure on the wrong spot it sends shooting pains through it all. Its my left foot but driving it irritating it because of the angle it sits I think. I hope it gets better soon. I have 2 parties to do! Carter will be 4 soon!

He took 2 steps!

My little boy took his first two unassisted steps this morning. How can he be ready to walk already!? He has been cruising for awhile, 2 months now and he usually just dives forward when he wants to get from one spot to another, but last night I noticed he was putting more thought into those dives and he wasn’t just diving out of nowhere but kind of judging the distance between him and his destination. And then today I was sitting there watching as he let go of the couch, took for a couple seconds and went forward to the other part of the couch, It was a one two dive.  It makes me want to cry, my baby is getting so big, so fast.This is only the beginning….

I’ve been a bad blogger

I tell you I am so exhausted most of the time I forget what I am doing. Mason is 10 months old today and he is so clingy and wants me to hold him all the time. Well, at least while he sleeps. The rest of the time he wants to get into trouble. Yesterday I found him chewing on a lego wrench. And I sit there holding him while he sleeps a lot. I did put him down yesterday and was so excited he slept for about 20 minutes in his crib. I know, 20 minutes you say. But yes, this was exciting, it was a mid-day nap and he never sleeps in his crib in the day.  At night he will for a little while but as soon as I go to bed, he wakes up, wants to nurse then won’t go back to sleep in his bed and I get tired of trying, so I take him to bed with me. I don’t sleep great, but its better than holding him in a chair. But, often Carter decides to join us and I am worried he will lay on Mason or he will bug him, because he does, or he starts bothering me. So i am tired. I think more tired than I have ever been. I know my other children were not great sleepers, but I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment of the day. I am emotional, I am moody, I am just drained. I don’t get naps. I don’t get to sleep in. I don’t really get to rest. I know it will pass. I keep telling myself, it will get better. I don’t know when. I don’t know what I can do to help it(other than not hold him and let him be miserable all day). I will not let him cry. I will not leave him in his bed all alone to cry himself to sleep. I can’t and I won’t. I don’t care who agrees with me or the ideas people give me. I don’t understand how so many parents can so willingly just plop their babies in a bed and let them cry until they fall asleep. This is my little boy. The little person who relies on me completely. Who looks at me to comfort him and take care of him and teach him. Yes, maybe I haven’t taught him the best sleeping habits but soon enough he will be able to sleep on his own. And when he is 10 he won’t want to snuggle in my arms, or lay on my chest and hear my heart. He won’t need me. And when he is 20 I doubt I will even get a hug from him, so I try to remember, take it in. Enjoy it all. Yes its hard. Yes I wish I could get him in his own bed. But I don’t want it to ever end. He could very well be my last baby and the thought of never having those sweet sleepy sounds in my arms again breaks my heart.

So, I’ve been a bad blogger. I am so tired. I forget to write. I start to write, then forget to post my entries. I will try to do better. But I will be enjoying these sleepy snuggles so I might forget.