I think this is it.

I had more bloodwork done Saturday but don’t know the results. My arm sure looks terrible from it so I look like I was beat. I don’t handle bloodwork, my veins aren’t good and I often bruise badly. She jabbed me pretty good this time. I need to find my arnica.

But I am spotting this morning, feel a little crampy, that could be my head but I don’t think so. I think this is it and I won’t be having a baby afterall right now.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? And I will have to now tell all the kids that we aren’t having a baby afterall.

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We thought we were having a(nother) baby

but maybe we’re not.

It’s all very confusing right now and my heart is broken.

There was some confusion on my dates. Come to realize that was my fault. I was so set on a date, I had it in my mind that I didn’t realize I was wrong. It wasn’t until yesterday I realized that but it was too late to prevent the worst day.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday morning. I truly had no clue how far I was. I went in and told him that.

I was expecting to see a baby, of some size anyway.

But we didn’t. We saw an empty gestational sac. My heart sank. The tech asked if he could do an internal ultrasound at that point. He asked if anyone had ever told me my uterus tipped backwards. Yes I said long ago. He continued and still only saw a sac. He never told me how far it measured. He mentioned a blighted ovum, the words were familiar but I had no idea what it meant.

I sat there and tried to hold back the tears. It didn’t matter this baby wasn’t planned. After the initial shock we were happy and excited and it was something we were planning and looking forward to. This was like a stab in my heart. Especially when I had to go to the waiting room, where the obvious pregnant women were, and where my 14 year old was with her 2 year old brother. Where I had to hold back the tears and wait for the tech to tell me he called my dr and they wanted me to go in.

What was supposed to tell me my due date was now the worst moment ever. I had to then drive half an hour to get to my dr’s office, all while Mason screamed his head off because I didn’t let him push the button to open the doors to leave the office. I had to try to tell my daughter to explain why I needed to go somewhere else but I just started crying. I sent a text to my husband because I knew if I told him on the phone I wouldn’t make it through the drive.  It was the longest drive ever.

After getting there, the office was full so I said I was taking my kids to eat lunch. We ate and came back. Thankfully it was empty and we got right back in.

My dr, while he is a super nice guy, isn’t always on top of things, I feel. He told me he wanted me to get blood work then and then again tomorrow but I would probably start bleeding over the weekend. I have no pain, zero signs of miscarriage, so I don’t look for that to happen, but maybe he is right. I just don’t see why it would be different than days ago. An ultrasound didn’t magically change things. I asked if they said how big the sac was and he said no they didn’t but I saw the paper when he left the room for a minute and it looked like it said 5 weeks 2 days from what I could read. According to my last period, I should be 7 weeks.

So I sit here in limbo, not knowing if I am or not having a baby. And the worst part is I was waiting until this ultrasound to announce it to my friends and family, only a couple of people know. I had originally written a post here and saved it to post when I made the big announcement but now that one seems pointless. I feel lost and alone, unsure if the blood results even matter because it seems my levels can still rise if it is indeed a blighted ovum. Wondering if my tilted uterus could be causing the baby to be hiding and the sac measuring smaller. Having no one to talk to other than my due date group but then seeing ultrasounds of healthy pregnancies and driving my husband insane obsessing about it. I don’t think he understands I can’t just let it go and not think about it. I will get busy with kids and it leaves my mind but then its there again and what was and what was going to be feels gone forever.

I had a miscarriage with my 1st baby, I know there was a reason, but in those moments it seems hopeless. I know I wouldn’t have my Hayley if I had that baby, but in those moments it’s heartbreaking. You wonder what’s wrong with you? In my case then, I wondered could I even ever have kids(yes that is laughable now after six but it really was my fear). Now I wonder, am I too old? Am I not meant to have another? Because yes, even though this particular baby was a suprise, we have been talking about another. I wonder why after 6 healthy babies this has to happen now.  I know how lucky I am that I have those wonderful children and am trying to think of that.

I referred to the baby as lucky #7, had a whole shirt planned to get pictures taken in and post on Facebook. Now that seems like a cruel joke to me as I wonder if there even is a baby #7. I know I’m not truly alone, I know so many women go through this, but I have no one to turn to. No one to just hug me and say it’s ok. If this baby isn’t there, it’s ok, because it really was a baby to me, not just an empty sac but in my heart a baby. My husband does try, but he has an easier time of letting things go, he obsesses about other things, this isn’t one of them.  Only time will tell, but my hope is sinking.

So I came here to at least get my feelings out. I haven’t written here much lately so I doubt anyone I know will read it. I’m trying to decide whether I should share it to Facebook or leave it here alone. And today had to be our anniversary to top it all off. 18 years together. Here’s to many more…