So much to consider…

My husband brought up a serious conversation last night.

He told me he wouldn’t be against my homeschooling our boys. In the beginning of all of this, I was an advocate for full return to school. Back the way it was. My hope that this may happen has dwindled more and more each day. With each announcement, my heart has sunk further and further. After I saw the recent video of the pilot schools in our school board, I really started questioning it. The hand washing station was the only positive I saw. It made me sad. Stickers on the floor, the teachers will be in masks. How will my autistic 7 yr old handle not seeing his teacher smile at him? Will they hold his hand when he is having a bad day? Or will they be too afraid? What happens if the teacher or someone in their class tests positive? Will they have to self isolate? I refuse to have my children tested, so they’d be stuck at home for 2 weeks. And does that then mean ALL of my family will have to self isolate for 2 weeks? There are 10 of us in my home. Five that continued working full time through Covid and never got sick, never had to isolate. I run a home preschool with other children. Will I have to close and lose my income? What would that mean for my families?

I admit, I am terrified at the thought of homeschooling. My 7 yr old, as I said has autism. He is not an easy child. He is behind in his reading. His teacher was trying to get him help but our school drug their feet and never got it together until this started. I have tried, but he screams and cries and throws things at me. Or will work on the computer for 5 minutes then sneak to games. My 10 yr old has ADHD. He also has anxiety. And that worries me. He has not handled the isolation well. My 13 yr old surprisingly did very well, at first anyway. Then he got bored with the school work. My 17 yr old I thought would be fine to go to school. Unless they mandate masks. He works at Tim Horton’s. He is already forced to wear one for his shifts. One mask for 6-8 hour shifts. If he has to wear a mask on the bus, he’d be in a mask from 8 am until 3:30, then from 4-10 when he gets off work, and on weekends too. It’s too much. But what can I do? What are you doing? Are you choosing to do traditional homeschooling? We are not religious so the programs that are religious aren’t for us. I wonder if I should just do the school distance learning? I hated it in the spring. But then maybe I could get help for my 7 yr old. I am so overwhelmed and break down crying on a regular basis. To be clear, I am not afraid of Covid. I am afraid of what it is doing to our society. The fear it is spreading. The way it has thrown our lives into turmoil. Upside down. I know I am not alone. Hugs to all the parents going through this same struggle.

Summer is flying by

I can’t believe July is almost over. In a way it seems like March break never ended lol. And now we are close to school starting back up. While I am not overly concerned with my children catching Covid, I am terrified of what this school year will look like.
I have 4 boys that will be in school. One in his last year of high school. The year that should be fun. He has already told me if they make them wear masks, he isn’t going. He already is forced to wear a mask for his job. He would be in a mask all day long. I told him I completely support his decision. Because if they make the little boys wear them, I won’t be sending them. I am already feel anxiety about sending them anyway. Will they make everyone physically distance? The amount of chemicals that are going to be used worries me. And what happens if their teacher or a classmate tests positive? Will they be forced to stay home for two weeks? Which would then mean our entire household will be quarantined. I refuse to have my children get a covid test. Disagree with me if you’d like, but the results have been too untrustworthy. And then if they are forced home, my preschool will need to be closed until we are all clear. There goes all of our incomes.
Then there is the bus. They are now cutting the bus capacity by 60%. That is a lot of children. Our little boys were on a pretty full bus last year. Some days my husband would pick them up if he got home in time but it wasn’t guaranteed, and now with his job being up and down, we definitely couldn’t plan for it.

I know the anxiety I am feeling. And I get to stay home. I can’t imagine the working parents. I have two children with special needs that really need to go to school. They need someone who knows how to teach for their needs. They also need the social side of it all. I guess though, I will wait until our school board decides on a return plan and determine what will be best for us.

I do know, this is going to be a long, stressful school year.

Just when I think I’m ok

Today a Facebook friend posted some pictures of her belly..she is a week ahead of where I was supposed to be. I realized I would have been 15 weeks pregnant this week. Almost 4 months. It’s like a stab in my heart. I’m still having to get my weekly bloodwork.  This week my HCG was 9. I’m happy it was so low but so very sad at the same time. I wanted that baby so very much. Despite my concerns about my weight and my hernia, I was so excited..

I’m trying to just keep busy. Working with the boys and schoolwork. Clean the house. It’s hard when we’re stuck at home. I can’t even be excited about my preschool because I don’t even know if I’ll be able to reopen. Preschool is something that keeps my mind busy. Planning and making things. But as it looks right now I won’t be opening before September.  And maybe not even then. If parents are afraid to send their kids then I have no one to teach. And that makes me even more upset about losing this baby. At least when I thought a baby was coming I had a little hope.

The longer we’re trapped in this house the more alone I feel. The days get harder.  The house gets messier, the boys get wilder.

I don’t have a lot of friends but the ones I do, I miss. I miss our walks and talks at playgroup.  I miss watching Lucas playing with his friends.  I miss those smiling little faces when they come in my door. I miss my boys not feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

I don’t think life is ever going back. But I have watched the teachers in Quebec talking about what school will look like for them as they reopen. I cried. I can’t send my children to that. Everything they loved about school will be gone. I worry about the fall. We have two going to college, will they even be able? One will be in 12th grade, another in 8th. Will they get all the special moments? Will my oldest daughter’s business survive this? I feel like hers and my businesses have been crushed by this shutdown.  And sadly, we’re not alone.

And it’s snowing today. I guess it matches my mood.