I meant to share this the other day. I did on my instagram . But I’ll share now. Tuesday, November 7 Lucas was 38 weeks old. It seems odd the count weeks and usually around 12 weeks I stop, but a friend of mine shared a picture recently. It was a picture of her pregnant and of her baby at the same age. I thought what a fun idea. Lucas was born at 38 weeks exactly, on Tuesday, February 14. So I took a picture of us when he was 38 weeks in our world.



Life is moving fast.

I came here to read my miscarriage story today and realized I never wrote about the birth of our 7th baby!

He’s already 8 months old. Hes amazing and beautiful and I can’t believe how fast time is going.

He’s learning to crawl. Or trying to. He gets up and rocks then falls down. He scoots backwards and rolls everywhere. He has said mama a few times now, using the word correctly. He’s so smiley and happy. He really is the happiest of my seven children. I am so grateful for him. I’m so lucky I got the chance to have another baby and have this beautiful boy in my world. 20171001_080121.jpg

This time last year

Last year this was one of my hardest times of my life.  September 3, I started the day excited. I was having my first ultrasound. We thought I was about 9 weeks pregnant but weren’t sure on dates so my doctor had me going to an ultrasound. I was finally going to find out my due date and see the little person growing inside of me.

I drove there with Tyleigh and Mason, because Mason was too difficult to leave home. He wasn’t much better in the waiting room, screaming the entire time.

When I went back to get my ultrasound I was so excited, a little nervous because I hadn’t been feeling sick much but didn’t actually think anything serious was wrong. When the tech looked I knew something was wrong. I watched the screen and just knew.

The sac was empty. There was no baby growing where a baby should be. He tried an internal ultrasound hoping that the baby was just in a different angle. But still nothing.  He said it was a blighted ovum. I had heard the word before but I had no idea what it meant.  I sat there crying, all alone. And then had to go out into the waiting room where my kids were and wait, in a room full of pregnant women, for the tech to get my dr on the phone to find out what they wanted me to do.  Waiting for what seemed like forever, holding back my tears, not wanting to say a word to Tyleigh because I knew I would break down crying.

When we left I tried to tell her and just cried. My doctor wanted to see me so I had to then drive there. And called my husband to tell him. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never expected this to happen. We lost our first baby in Feb 1998, so many years ago. I had 6 healthy pregnancies since then. Who would think I would lose another?

The following months were even worse though. I bled for months. I had to tell my family doctor I thought I had retained tissues. He dismissed it but agreed to let me get an ultrasound. I was right.  For months I was emotionally a mess. My body wouldn’t let go of the remaining tissues and kept coming back with positive pregnancy tests. I felt completely alone.  I would talk to my husband sometimes, but after months I worried he was tired of hearing me go on and cry about it. He never said that of course, and always told me to tell him how I felt.  It’s something no one could understand. Not only did a have a miscarriage but it wouldn’t end.  I cried myself to sleep every night. I started worrying something was wrong with me, more than just the retained tissues, never google when you are going through this. I feared I would never have another baby.  Near the end of November I saw my OB. We were going on vacation for two weeks to Florida and I was so afraid of it being a mistake, of something bad happening while I was away.  He said he thought things were ending, my hcg numbers were dropping, so slowly, but they were dropping. He wanted me to wait and see if it ended on it’s own. And told me to go enjoy my vacation. That was good to hear because I didn’t want the risk of a d&c anyway.  Any trauma to my uterus could cause me to not have a successful following pregnancy.  We went to Florida and of course I started bleeding again.  Much heavier towards the end of our trip.  I kept testing and kept getting positives.  Finally on my birthday, Dec 14, I got a negative test. I had never in my life been so happy to get a negative!

I think though, that at that point was when the sadness really came. I should’ve been almost ready to have a baby and I wasn’t. April came and my heart was broken. It took a long time to feel like I was healing, finally when May hit I was starting to feel like me again. Although I had ruined all my weightloss from the summer before and gained a lot of weight, I was finally able to not cry every time I thought of that time.  I think the hardest part was that the baby never formed and was never there and to me, there was a baby. To my heart there was a little person growing there, so knowing there wasn’t was the worst part for me. We’d been making plans and talking about names before we found out. We were honestly excited about this new little person. So hearing that there was no little person ever there was the hardest moments of all.  I was told so many times, it doesn’t matter that the baby never formed, that to me it was there and it was ok to grieve that loss.  I did have some wonderful online friends that helped me through it. But in real life I had to go through the motions of being ok and not breaking down in tears every time I talked to someone. I pretended I was fine and took care of my kids and no one knew otherwise. It was a very sad time for me.  It’s not something that is easy to get over. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought that was hard. And it was. But it didn’t compare to my pain this time. Maybe that’s because I knew what I’d lost, after having babies. Maybe it’s because I am older and worried about the idea of never having another. I can’t say.

Near the end of June, right before Father’s Day actually, we got a surprise. We had talked on an off about the idea of having another. The worry of what if we had complications weighed heavily on both of us. Whether we should even try to have another baby. At the time I got a positive, I wasn’t actually expecting it.  I’d had very strange cycles and never even noticed when I ovulated.  I can usually tell very obviously.  So I was surprised and so excited.  I normally tell my husband immediately. But since Father’s day was 2 days away I waited. The wait was killing me.  But it was the perfect day to tell him he was going to be a daddy once again.

I am now 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where I live you don’t typically see an OB until much later in your pregnancy so I have been seeing my family doctor. He hasn’t been very good about things. Normally you’d get an early ultrasound after a loss to make sure things were fine but I had to wait until 12 weeks. I was so scared and worried. That day I felt like I was going to throw up, and not because of morning sickness. When I saw my little baby moving and it’s heart beating, a weight lifted off of me and I couldn’t help but cry. I explained why I was so nervous and the tech said the baby had a strong heartbeat.

We are all excited about this new member of our family. I can imagine what people say, we have a lot of kids, but I really don’t care. My husband and I raise them, take care of them and love them with every bit of who we are.  They aren’t perfect, no one is, and we are doing the best we can. I just hope everyone is as happy for us as they say they are, because this is a life to be celebrated, as all of our babies are.

This will be our last baby.  That makes me sad.  But I know my health is more important. If I didn’t have c-sections I’d probably have a dozen. When I had my first baby, I found my place in this world. I can’t imagine being anything else but a mom. Sure I have days where I wish I could do something more and maybe someday I will. But these little (and not so little anymore) people are my world. Which is also why I know we shouldn’t have anymore. As of my 12 week ultrasound my placenta was anterior and at the top. I go to see my OB next week. I am expecting him to book my big ultrasound and we will know for sure by then what my placenta has decided to do. I have had no issues so far at all.  I have been sick for a long time and tired but otherwise everything is going well.  I am waiting to see again if that’s still the case. My biggest fear is that it will get stuck to my placenta and put both me and the baby at risk. But for now I am going to enjoy growing this little person, when it doesn’t exhaust me and make me sick all day. I am going to look forward to the day I get to hold him(no we don’t know it’s a boy but after 4 boys in a row I am expecting it).

I will try to do better and post more on this journey.  Life gets so busy….


So much has changed!

Wow, I didn’t realize I hadn’t written in so very long. Life, you know. Sadness and depression and trying to get past that while still trying to make sure my children are happy. It wasn’t always easy.

Since I haven’t written since Dec of last year we had a big move! We bought my inlaws house and they bought ours. This was the house my father in law built when my husband was 12. It’s older but bigger. Not in as good of shape as I had thought it was, so we have had a lot of struggles we are dealing with and will be for years to come. It’s outside of town but still with neighbors. I don’t like living outside of town. I miss taking the boys for walks for them to ride their bikes. We have a long driveway that they do ride bikes on and our yard is really big. We got them each a power wheels car and they love them. They drive all over the yard. We have a pool, it’s above ground and the decks are all rotting, unfortunately but Justin loves the pool and has friends over a lot to go swimming. It’s been a big change though going from the house where they could go outside any time to not. It’s not fenced but mostly trees and Riley is 9 so I trust him to go out but not the other two because they could easily go out front and end up on the very busy road. So that’s been a big change for us. The girls each have their own room now. They had been sharing since they were 4 and 2. I think that was a bit of an adjustment but maybe it has helped them want to talk more. Having a roommate for almost 13 yrs then suddenly not would definitely be different. But they have their own space now and privacy. The 3 boys are still sharing, Justin has a space in the basement for himself though so he sleeps in with Carter and Riley but it’s technically their room. And Mason has his own room still because he is the world’s worst sleeper.

We have been trying to work on things slowly, painting, replacing old lights etc, there is just so much to do though and I am afraid it will be very expensive and a long time to do them. My husband is more positive about it than me but I spend more time here. And he has more of an emotional attachment to this house. Right now I don’t know that I want to stay here for many years but that could change in time I guess. I definitely don’t have an emotional attachment to this house like I did our little house. We were there 9 years and my babies grew up there. We long outgrew it and I know that. We needed bigger but I miss it. I miss living in town, walking to pick the kids up from school or just around the block. I miss a paved driveway. I know we had to give some to get what we needed, so we will see where this takes us. It’s been 4 months since we moved and I am still not moved it. I still have boxes all over my bedroom and in closets. Who has time for unpacking when you have a house and children with normal life to take care of? I will get there eventually…..

Fingers crossed…

I don’t want to say it too soon, but I think my miscarriage is finally over!

Today I have had tiny spots, only tiny, almost nothing! Almost 4 months it’s been, 4 months of seeing things come out that you should never have to see. The worry, the anxiety, the sadness, well the sadness is still not gone but I can start to feel better and not bleed for weeks at a time. It was 3 1/2 weeks this time. In 4 months time I have had about 4 weeks of not bleeding. I think my body might finally have gotten rid of it all. It’s a sense of relief but complete sadness too. Something I was so happy for, something that was supposed to be over half way there, has finally ended.

And not knowing where we go from here, whether to try again or end it here. I know what my heart wants….

The miscarriage from hell.

I never imagined something could last so long and be so completely painful emotionally.

It has been almost 4 months since I had that awful ultrasound telling me I had a blighted ovum. I thought at that time that by January we would be able to start thinking of trying again. How wrong I was.

The roller coaster my body has had me on the past 4 months has been cruel and lonely. I have only ever gone through the one other loss and that was 17 years ago, it was nothing like this. I also went on birth control right away and my cycle went back to normal quickly. I got pregnant soon after without planning it. This time has been a blur of emotions and fears.

All of Sept I bled. The first 2 weeks very heavily, the last 2 was spotting. I stopped bleeding the beginning of Oct. 28 days later I started spotting again. I thought yay! My period is coming back. I was so wrong. For the next month I was spotting constantly. My family dr sent me to get an ultrasound. I was concerned I had retained tissues because my HCG beta wasn’t dropping very well. He thought I was just getting back to normal and my body was trying to have a period. He was wrong.

They discovered I did have retained tissues. I was going on vacation in a week, to Florida from Canada, for 2 weeks, so I needed something decided. My gynecologist saw me and did a couple of ultrasounds.  I was spotting on and off. My numbers were dropping, slowly but finally dropping.  the result of his ultrasound looked good, but he didn’t do an internal. I went away on vacation with no spotting and feeling like things were finally on its way to being over.

After I was in Florida for less than a week the spotting started again. I thought it must just be the beginning of the end. By the end of the second week I was passing tissues and bleeding heavily. I was hoping it was a period.

On Dec. 14, my 39th birthday, I got my first negative pregnancy test since July. I was so happy. I thought this must be it, it’s almost over!

Since then the spotting is still there and sometimes pretty heavy, I am also passing tissues.  It actually seems like I have experienced a second miscarriage. Not in the sense that I got pregnant and lost another but that it never finished so I am going through it all again.

I feel so lost and alone. I have no one that I talk to about it, except my poor husband. The tissue had gotten stuck to the inside of my c-section scar, which is also why the dr didn’t see anything when he did the ultrasound before our trip.

My plan now is to wait through this week because I am losing tissue and the bleeding is darker, I am hoping its the last of it and will be done by Monday. And if it isn’t then Monday I call my dr again and ask for another ultrasound to see if there is something left.

I never imagined it could go on this long. I know, normally women have a d & c, I don’t want that. I have had 6 c-sections, 6 times having trauma to my uterus. If I have another procedure, the d&c, that is one more procedure and it scares me that it would be one more thing why I shouldn’t have one last baby. We haven’t decided to go ahead with another baby right now anyway just because of the worries that this did get stuck and I don’t want to end up with placenta accreta. My dr talked to me about it and did make me feel better about it if that did happen with a future pregnancy. I know we can’t know the future. Right now I just want to get through now, to get past this, to feel normal and back to myself. I keep telling myself that it’s almost over, and I keep thinking that, but it just doesn’t feel like it…..

I’m a clutterbug

I know since I was little I am a pack rat and very cluttered. Its really hard to get past it but my house is suffering.

I follow a blogger, she has a Facebook group I joined awhile ago and she has a 31 day purge that started just today.  I am so excited to try this and get rid of the mess and clutter.

If you’ve never heard of the 31 day purge I found it on A Bowl Full of Lemons, 31 Day Purge.  Today was day 1 and it was your pantry. This is an area I really do struggle with. Not because of myself but my children.  They never put things back where they below and we often have food dumped everywhere.

2015-09-18 14.04.33

This is my before photo. It was actually taken Sept. 18. I had bought a couple of baskets already and started the process but never got to finish it. I hate the clutter of never being able to find things. What this photo doesn’t really show is the mess down on the floor, open food, cereal bags, it was horrible. I was gradually working on it and today I finished. My cabinet is not pretty, my husband made the shelves out of plywood in the closet that is supposed to be for coats but it’s in my dining room. we had planned on making better shelves but never got around to it .

2015-10-01 13.24.15 2015-10-01 13.24.23

These are the after photos. I found a shelf and a can rack at a local. The can rack only holds about 9 cans per shelf I think and they have to be smaller cans. I have all the chicken noodle and vegetable soup and baked beans along with some veggies.

2015-10-01 13.24.41

Our snack shelf is always an issue. I make one basket for school snacks only, one small bin(behind the red one) that holds school drink boxes and a basket for cracker(my children love crackers).  I bought 3 smaller baskets(the red ones) for daily after school snacks. The 3 older kids have one, my 8 year old with a dairy allergy has one and my 2 & 5 year olds share one. It is acutally working out very well, the older kids only have applesauce cups left lol but it is helping to prevent the sneaking of snacks we previously had a problem with.

2015-10-01 13.24.23 2015-10-01 13.24.46 2015-10-01 13.24.50 2015-10-01 13.24.55

It definitely isn’t the perfect cabinet but I feel very proud I got it done. I threw away all the expired foods and there are only things we will actually eat in there!

I am waiting on my Tupperware to come. I recently signed up to sell Tupperware because I love the products so I ordered some to help me organize my pantry. we got through a ton of cereal with 6 kids but I want it for rice and other foods like that. I do keep pastas and flour, sugar etc on my kitchen counter in glass containers but need some containers for what doesn’t fit into those.

Why do we blame ourselves?

I know I’m not the only one. I hear it from other moms too. I see the posts on Facebook how moms feel guilty. Guilty for getting a shower, guilty for getting a babysitter, guilty for going to work, or guilty you stay home and not every moment is focused on your children.

I am so guilty of blaming myself. My husband calls it misplaced guilt. I did it today.

Today I took my 2 1/2 year old to a pediatric dentist. Over the weekend he broke one of his front teeth while my daughter was watching, there’s guilty feelings all over that one. I got him in and was just wanting to have them look at his tooth but this was a new dentist so they thought they would do an entire first visit. Ok, fine with me. They wanted an xray of the tooth to make sure there was no damage. I hate xrays. But I let them because I was worried there may be damage.

It was worse than I had imagined.

Not the broken tooth, but the others. He has 6 cavities. SIX CAVITIES. It was like someone punched me in the stomach. Yes he breastfeeds, and he does so to fall asleep. Yes he was 5 months old when he started getting teeth. Yes he is absolutely awful to brush his teeth, until recently. And yes he has an upper lip tie. But he will only be 3 in January. How can it be possible? As hard as I work, as hard as I try. And I still failed. This makes child #4 of 6 that have had to have work done.  I know one dentist told us that some people are predispositioned for cavities and that bacteria can actually be genetic. My husband has bad teeth so we always assumed it was that, but it’s the bacteria that’s the issue, and apparently nursing isn’t helping much but we won’t change it now. Mason drinks pretty much nothing else but water and maybe once a week some apple or orange juice.

So we are set up to have to go to a hospital because our health insurance doesn’t cover the anesthesia in the office, but we will sit and wait probably 4-5 months at the least. I am praying that these cavities don’t get worse and he needs more work. But we just can’t pay the extra $1000 to cover the difference. If we do it in a hospital then we can have OHIP cover the anesthesia but they won’t in an office. He also won’t be able to get his lip tie revised because they only do it in the office with laser. The only positive is the dentist said it wasn’t a severe lip tie so maybe that hasn’t caused his speech delay. But we can’t be sure either way.

I called my husband afterwards. He made a comment about why have 4 out of 6 of our children needed dental surgery. I took it as what am I doing wrong that four of our children have had to have dental surgery. I know that’s not what he meant. But that’s how I heard it. And that’s how I often hear things. Because I am never sure I am not failing. I always feel like I am doing something wrong. My house is a mess, or its something easy for dinner. The boys haven’t had a bath in a week or I spent too much time on the computer.  I didn’t play with them enough today or remember to brush their hair. I know we all do it.

I try to remind myself I am only one person and I am doing the best job I can. I hope when my children are grown they will have good memories of me and how I raised them. The little boys tell me I am the best mom ever. And I know they truly believe that. Ask my teenage daughters how they feel though.

I guess all we can do is the best we know how. We will all make mistakes and feel like we failed. I am trying so hard to push those feelings out and remember everything is not my fault. But that’s something I have struggled with since I can remember, it’s hard to let it go.

The things they don’t tell you

When my doctor’s office called to tell me I was miscarrrying she was not helpful at all. At that point I was spotting so I asked so I just wait for the bleeding? She said yes and that was it. There is so much more.

Having had a miscarrriage before I thought I would know what to expect, but it was March 1998 when I lost our very first baby. That was 17 years ago, wow does that ever seem like another life.

It started with spotting then, I remember that. I didn’t go to work for a few days, I did go with my husband, we weren’t married at the time so I was living in Virginia and he was in Ontario Canada. He drove a truck, that’s how we met, I should tell that story someday.  He was doing his normal work so I went along because they told me to take a few days off of work. I don’t remember how long the bleeding lasted, but I know when I passed the baby and it wasn’t very long. I was only 6 weeks then and 22 so maybe my body was younger and faster to get rid of it.

Now I am 38, soon to be 39, and it has definitely not been the same. And, after 17 years, I don’t even know I remember it all. I know how sad I was. And that definitely is the same, and even my worries are the same. Then I worried there was something wrong with me. To lose my very first baby maybe I could never have children. Now I worry after 6 kids maybe I won’t be able to have that last baby we were hoping for. My husband keeps reassuring me I’m not too old and we will try again. But the worry is there.

I bled for 2 full weeks. Plus on and off spotting ever since. That is so much longer than I expected. I was only about 8 weeks pregnant I think, I didn’t think it would cause this much more.  But then I haven’t taken it easy.  I think that might have been part of my problem.

Everyone in my family has just moved on. No one sees the physical side of this but me and my poor deprived husband lol.  I try to hide the emotional side from the kids. Sometimes it seeps out.  I am completely exhausted. I was trying to exercise and thought maybe I should take a break till the bleeding lessens. I thought maybe I was doing more hard than good so I’ve taken a couple days off.  The sadness remains in my heart, I am able to keep it away most days, then others it takes over and I am sad and have to remind myself I am so truly lucky. My little boys really do help with that.

But I am heading to healing.  It helps I am planning a Florida vacation. And my boys have so much hockey to keep me busy. I am trying to work on losing weight.  This pregnancy wasn’t planned and I wanted to lose some before so I try to tell myself that if anything good comes of it that should be it. Now I just have to get past my emotional eating.

It’s been almost a month since I found out and there are times I think, I should be pregnant and looking forward to a baby, but I know the baby didn’t form and there was no chance of that. It’s just heartbreaking and I still cry. I know everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. I don’t know I will ever know the reason but I am going to enjoy Disney World not pregnant now and ride tons of rides and have tons of fun with my family. And maybe next year we will still have a baby.

I almost didn’t post about my miscarriage to my friends and family. Only two people outside of my family knew about our pregnancy. I am so glad I did. I was comforted by so many of my friends that had gone through it as well. So many that I had no idea they were even pregnant. It’s so sad how women suffer in silence. We have to be the strong ones and hide our feelings, from moms that haven’t carried a full term baby to moms of many like me. I hope I was able to let them all know how much their words meant to me. It helped me get through one of the hardest things of my life.